Graduate school essay questions in a perfect world

And we have no regard for their importance.

Narcissism having being explained, with a nice ablative, let's talk for a minute about graduate school applications.

This is the time of year when the mad rush to apply begins. Most of us have had four years to forget how stupid and irritating is it to apply for anything, especially in an academic context.

James Miller Miller

The questions are so bad. Does anyone really have a "moment that changed your life?" Bear in mind that the admissions board doesn't want hear the "threesome" story that you keep boring your housemates with. Writing a three to four page essay on "my philosophy of community service" is nothing you do for fun either.

So I was thinking the whole process would be so much better if they would just ask the right questions instead of those Pollyanna, first-date cow chips.

n Business school: Do you like money? I mean, really, really like money? Does the thought of a six-figure salary give you an erection (or equivalent response)? Does your dream living room consist of $3,000 worth of stereo equipment with two Celine Dion albums and a copy of every Disney soundtrack? Would you describe yourself in 20 years as powerful, sterile and tasteless? Good. We thought so. Move to the next question.

Essay question: You are the manager of a sheet metal stamping plant. One of your best customers has just placed a huge order. In order to fill it in time, you'll have to force your employees to work unpaid overtime and remove the safety devices from the plant machinery which, while increasing productivity, will almost certainly cause several worker deaths. If you fill the quota you will receive a bonus. Question: Where do you hide the bodies? What color Range Rover?

n Law school: Do you like money, but still like to feel like a Soldier of the People? Do you own a "casual" pair of wingtips? Have you been on the Student Council since kindergarten? Do you evaluate people on the basis of the reference letters they can write for you? Would you be happy continuing to rot the country from the inside out?

Essay question: Goethe's "Faust" is about a man who sells his soul to the Devil for a period of unlimited power. Why is everyone so down on the guy?

n Women's Studies: Does the thought of someone, somewhere, having fun that you don't approve of drive you crazy? Do you think writing papers with titles such as "Lacan, Freud and Derrida: Modes of Thought and Metaphors of the Body" will end spousal abuse? Does Woody Allen's raw masculinity frighten you? Can you bust balls with the power of your mind?

Essay questions: Detail your plan for mass, forced sperm collection and wholesale, subsequent execution. Men in zoos: Why or why not?

n Computer science: Have you given up on sex completely? Is your skin so white that your roommate can read by it at night? Have you ever told a computer-illiterate friend or relative that you're dating this nice girl named Laura Croft?

Essay question: Have you ever kissed a girl? What was it like? Please?

n Environmental Studies/Natural Resource Management: Fffffffft. Dude, where's the lighter?

Essay question: Don't you, like, hate it, when, you're, like, talking about recycling or some shit like that, and someone's all, like, "Dude, like, what are you? Some kind of hippie?" That, like, totally gets me bummin'. Seriously.

n Medical school: How would like all the fun of necrophilia with the respectability of a professional career? Were "fun" and "free time" just annoyances that you can do without?

Essay question: Overachieving - A way of life, or a hobby to annoy your friends?

n Social Sciences: Could you go a whole day without jargon? How about a half? Do you think the world should be free of sharp edges and bad luck? Try the social sciences. We have all the fun of dry theory and truncated sentences without the pesky verifiable, useful answers that the hard sciences are obsessed with.

Essay question: Which of the following measures do you think would be most beneficial to an urban center like East St. Louis or Newark: Dance therapy center or television violence awareness workshop? Why?

n Journalism: Doo u like two rite? Do u hav a gud hed 4 the nooz? Wood u like two lern the skilz needd to be a jurnulist?

Essay question: Proofreading and fact checking - neurotic obsession or unnecessary cultural artifacts?

- James Miller can be reached over e-mail at jamespm@umich.edu

on Tap

A secret code

Act could end the 'U''s secrecy

After years of operating almost in complete secrecy, the Code of Student Conduct is finally exposed. With the recent passage of the Higher Education Act, no longer does the University's disciplinary Code have a legal excuse for passing judgement away from the eyes of the public. But this amendment to the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act may affect campus life much more than students would wish.

Until this amendment was passed, the Code functioned virtually unchecked by the public. Students or administrators could file a complaint under the Code, thus instigating a full investigation. The Code acts as an internal discipline system that can enact punishments as severe as expulsion from the University. But it is virtually impossible to make sure the Code is doing its job well and passing fair judgement when its decisions are kept entirely private. With secret proceedings and decisions, precedents are never made, thus starting each case with a clean slate and giving overwhelming power to the faculty and administrators adjudicating the matter.

Every once in a while, another story of the Code's failure to pass proper judgement would surface. But any action to prevent this from happening again is inhibited by the inability of case-by-case reviews to cite past proceedings. The new amendment to FERPA allows the University to release the information about cases involving the Code, therefore making it possible to check the collegiate court system.

But it is difficult to decide precisely how much this could damage students' privacy. One part of the bill allows the University to call the parents of undergraduates who are caught drinking. This is definitely a violation of students' privacy. There is no reason to contact former guardians because of the behavior of adults. But in cases of violent crimes such as rape and assault, the outcome of these cases should be available to the public. The survivor of such crimes deserves to know that justice has been done while the campus community must be shown that such behavior is not acceptable and will be punished.

A Code that functions in total secrecy has the power to pass any type of judgement it wishes. As the veil that has covered the Code is lifted, students will finally be able to see how well it can work. If there are any mistakes in Code judgements, they can now be pointed out and fixed. Whether or not there has been any bad decisions made by the Code in the past, the FERPA amendment is a step toward ensuring there will be no more.

For now, the University is ambiguous about the affects that this bill will have on campus, with administrators and spokespeople speaking only about the pending discussions regarding this amendment. But with the Code up for review at the end of this semester, the new light shown on its proceedings will certainly influence how the Code functions in the future.

The University should choose to use this amendment to check the Code and not to invade the privacy of students. The ability to release names or contact guardians does not mean that the University should no longer protect the privacy of its students. Rather, the amendment is best suited as a check on the Code of Student Conduct.

Public commitment

Communities should increase involvement

This year, the Ann Arbor Public Schools are facing several major issues, including high school overcrowding, budget cuts and a search for a new superintendent. The public school district was criticized by many citizens last year when they were left out of the decision-making process of an elementary school redistricting plan.

Parents and residents who feel they are not involved in public school decisions their tax dollars support - and about schools their children attend - is an all-too-common occurrence. Some people feel alienated or intimidated by educational jargon while others do not feel welcome or see how they can make a difference. Community interaction in the public school system must be more meaningful than buying cookies at school fundraisers.

According to Gail Braverman, the communications director for the Michigan Association of School Boards, the number of married couples without children now exceeds the number of couples with children. Fewer people have school-age children and therefore, lack a vested interest in public education, making it more difficult to pass important public education issues. But all Ann Arbor residents pay school taxes and are thus indirectly supporting every course of action the school board takes.

Paying school taxes likens residents to shareholders of a company; they should have a sincere interest in its success to better the product - their children's education. Braverman led a school board session last week on increasing support for public education. He said a growing number of people are becoming disenfranchised by public schools.

Braverman advised the board to develop a plan for improving communication and involving the community in school decisions - a step in the right direction, although a little too late. School boards are elected by the community; thus, they should be acting in the public's best interest. The board has assigned some trustees to a subcommittee on communication. One of the tests of the district's emphasis on public participation will be the "High School Futures 2000" project. The district is forming a 35-member committee to study ways to relieve high school overcrowding and update the curriculum.

Trustee Nicholas Roumel said some people think the committee's six slots reserved for parents and residents are not enough. Ann Arbor high schools are overcrowded and some students turn to area alternatives, like private, religious or charter schools for more personal attention. Sending students to other schools, however, does not resolve the problems with Ann Arbor's Pioneer and Huron High Schools.

The committee should try to find a balance that will allow it to involve as many people as possible and make decisions expediently. Parents should be aware of how their involvement in the public school system not only helps their children, but improves Ann Arbor's reputation and creates a standard for other school districts to follow. Residents must not lose sight of how important a public school system is and they should be involved. It is important that the public know that it has an impact on decisions for their public schools. In a city that is home to a highly regarded public universities, nothing less should be expected.

10-14-98