Thurman and Fiennes can't avenge weak storylines

Exactly what the powers that be at Warner Bros. were thinking when they OK-ed "The Avengers" is something few will ever know. The script is supposed to be funny but isn't. There is no story. The villain is about as scary as the Michigan's previous football loss, and throughout the movie it's hard not to root for him just so the wretched thing will end. And this is supposed to be a summer blockbuster? A movie that packs in the crowds and makes people feel compelled to see it, twice?

The truth is that "The Avengers" is neither of these things, but rather a horrendous stab at mixing witty humor that doesn't work with high-powered special effects scenes. "The Avengers" is the type of thing that turns people away from movies. It's aimed at no one, and it's hard to think of any group of people who would enjoy this.

Courtesy of Warner Bros. Uma Thurman and Ralph FIennes star in the box-office bomb "The Avengers."

The flick, based on characters from the popular 1960's television program, centers around two heroes trying to prevent the maniac Sir August de Wynter (Sean Connery) from taking over the world's weather. Seems August is fed up with the way things are going and has decided that this is the get-rich-quick scheme that will help him bolster his bank account. He informs representatives from various nations that "the weather is no longer in God's hands but in mine" and that they will have to hand over a nice chunk of their country's GNP if they want to keep things comfortable in their native land.

The only two who seem up to the task of stopping this raving mad man are John Steed (Ralph Fiennes) and Emma Peel (Uma Thurman). Both are intelligent and impeccably dressed agents who bicker and playfully toss around one liners as they feel each other out.

Neither of the characters is very interesting, and it's hard to accept Steed as a dashing hero when his weapon of choice is an umbrella. And as for Peel, well, it doesn't seem like there's much behind her leather jumpsuits.

But the poorly developed characters pale in comparison to the other problems facing "The Avengers." The movie is a joke. August is supposed to be a man brilliant enough to take over the world's weather, but when he holds a secret meeting he can't think of anything better than having the participants dress up in colored teddy bear costumes to hide their identities? Guys, ever heard of one way mirrors?

Courtesy of Warner Bros. "My Goodness, I wish something would help our movie."

Or how about when Peel and Steed are speeding around in a car only to find that they're being chased by giant, laser-shooting insects? Granted this is an action movie, but still, working within the realm of modern technology wouldn't have hurt the situation.

And then there's the dialogue. The rapid-fire lines just aren't funny, and Thurman's English accent and wispy voice are unbearable. The writers also felt the need to throw in quite a few dreadful one liners, the worst coming when August proclaims "rain or shine all is mine."

Overall, "The Avengers" is a waste of film, and the only explanation for the presence of the talented cast is that they must have had some sort of debt to Warner Brothers that they felt inclined to pay off. When something like "The Avengers" is released, it shows that those in the movie business need to start taking more responsibility for the product that they turn out.

Casting stars and setting up special effects doesn't make a movie, the story does.

Back to the word processor Warner Brothers.

09-09-98