Buying a sport utility vehicle: A drama in 1/2 act

Salesman: That's a fine machine you're looking at there. I say 'she' to make it sound like we're looking at battleships.

Young Man: Oh yeah, it's dope, man. Those joints from Ford are tight, yo.

S: You just bought the Puffy anthology, didn't you?

Y: Fuckin' A!

S: Fabulous. Listen, Y - can I call you Y? Good. Y, as a salesman I pride myself on being able to size up people fairly quickly.

Y: You could tell I'm still wasted?

James Miller Miller on Tap

S: No, no, not that. I can tell that you're a man of taste and class. Except for the vomit on your hat.

Y: Dude, it's not my vomit. Last night night, Dave and Mark crashed in my room like totally wasted ...

S: Whatever. Look, Y, I'm not going to waste your time figuring out your price range or what the best car for your specific needs might be. If your family was that practical, you would have been killed and eaten before you could swing a seven iron.

You're here for a car that will make an impression. A car that says 'I'm better than my neighbors.' A car that says 'I deserve the fruits of my father's medical degree and/or idiot middle management meatball job.' You're looking for a Compensator. Am I right?

Y: Absolutely, S. I was talking to my dad and new mom and he said it was September and time for me to get a new car so I could drive home a couple times a year, drive to the bar, haul stuff, drive to Backroom, pick up my friends, drive to class, drive to the bar ... anyway. I know some like, poor kids, who have old cars that just sorta do what they need them to and get like, mileage and stuff. But what is that shit? Drive around in some little hatchback? Who am I, my little Mexican gardener or something?

S: Too true. There are just too many little satisfactions that a car like the Compensator can provide for you. Do you like to menace people at crosswalks? Fly out of the alley next to Rick's? Just this model year we've added a row of burnished steel spikes to the front grill. And, if I may, only the Compensator keeps you a full 18 inches higher off the ground than your brothers.

Y: Excellent. I'm like totally diggin' this car. What about the sound system?

S: I'm glad you asked, Y. You know, a lot of car makers would just fill up their high-end models with woofers and bass tubes. Frankly, I think that makes you looks a little, shall we say, ethnic. (Y shudders.) Well, you won't find that on the Compensator. The sound engineers at Execuberry are in touch with the musical needs of today's little Aryan listeners. The Compensator comes with a stereo system that features both little red lights and little black buttons. The speakers are designed to yield the highest quality sound across the spectrum. Anything from Matchbox 20 to Rusted Root will sound like they're right in the back seat with you.

Y: Kick ass! What if like, my Hookup wants to listen to like some Indigo Girls or Bob Dylan or some shit?

S: No problem. The Compensator's system is programmed to automatically adjust to any kind of white music.

Y: Sweet.

S: Y, I'm glad you mentioned the fairer sex.

Y: Who?

S: Women.

Y: Oh.

S: Y, I'm going to be honest with you. The lacrosse team has given you nice little pecs and a cute waist. The overpowering, whitebread nature of your heredity has left you hairless and toothy. I'm guessing you do pretty well with the ladies.

Y: At least the drunk bitches. Or the dumb ones. Or the ones who like, feel bad about themselves and will do things to like, make you like them and stuff.

S: Close enough. I'm not going to make any promises I can't keep, but I think that if you leave the lot driving a Compensator, you're success with the ladies will not suffer. Catch my drift?

Y: Totally.

S: Good. The Compensator's on-board computer comes equipped with 10 digitally stored songs that can be played from a keypad on the steering wheel. Anything from "Brown Eyed Girl" to "Wonderful Tonight."

Her heart will melt, she'll have a great spring break flashback and you'll look like a spontaneous and wonderful guy.

Y: But not like a fag or anything, right?

S: No no. So what'll it be, Y? Can I send you home in a Compensator?

Y: Word to that! You take Visa?

S: Certainly.

- James Miller can be reached over e-mail at jamespm@umich.edu.

09-09-98