It's a bird, it's a plane ... it's Superfan!

Key for 'M' football: Superfan

Questions surround Saturday's football game between Michigan and Syracuse.

Is Michigan done for the season?

Can the Michigan defense stop scrambling quarterback Donovan McNabb?

Will Drew Henson get to pick apart a prevent defense on a meaningless drive once again?

To hell with all of these questions, I say. There is only one question I want answered while I'm in Michigan Stadium on Saturday: Is there a new Superfan?

For the benefit of the first-year students among us, Superfan is the unofficial mascot of Michigan. Well, he was the unofficial mascot - who knows if there is going to be another.

Former superfan Jeff Holtzhausen used to be clad in a full getup of Michigan paraphernalia - including a cape with an "M" on it, a shirt with an "M" on it and glasses with an "M" on each side. He even ate blue "M&Ms" during halftime. He led cheers, danced and showed his Michigan pride at every sporting event possible.

My question: Is there anyone brave/stupid/daring enough to pull this off again?

Well, to this end, I decided to do a little investigative journalism myself, trying to get a scoop on this oh-so-important question.

After much searching at various bars ... um ... eating establishments, and interacting with the clientele within, I have found out that drunk people are hard to talk to.

Sharat Raju Sharat in the Dark

But after a few hours of standing in front of Pinball Pete's, hanging out with some guy with a dog, I finally found someone who could help me.

A source within the University - actually, he sleeps under the gateway arch at night and hands out coupon books by day - told me that the "powers-that-be" are actively searching for a new "Superfan," a new person to lead Michigan's fans from the stands.

And now that Michigan football has become bigger than life, what with the two gigantic Jumbotron monitors at the stadium and a nationwide radio contract, the administration is also taking control of spectator participation.

Here is the short list of prospective candidates from my source:

Candidate No. 1: Gheorghe Muresan. Current occupation: center, Washington Wizards. Notable accomplishments: None, really.

Muresan is considered an ideal candidate for the pure and simple fact that he is 7-foot-7 and can be seen from anywhere in the stadium.

He is considered a project, and needs some refining, since his only cheer is, "Aaaaargh!" Which, roughly translated, means, "aaargh!"

Okay, so itÕs not a really creative cheer, but after a few Kinesiology classes he would be able to articulate even the simplest cheer, like "Argh" or "Go Blue!" and may eventually evolve into "For the love of God, don't try to kick field goals even if itÕs 4th and 17! Just go for it, Lloyd!"

Needless to say, Big Gheorghe is low on the list of consideration.

Candidate No. 2: William Shatner. Current occupation: Captain Kirk/science fiction writer/overacter. Notable accomplishments: Captained USS Starship Enterprise.

If he can guide a space ship, then his leadership can direct just about anything - even Michigan fans after Donovan McNabb runs for his fourth touchdown Saturday.

But the crucial thing Shatner brings to the table is his slow, methodical delivery. Definitely a parallel to the Michigan offense. "Go É Mich É igan! É Why É isnÕt É Drew Henson É starting É if É he is the É most talented É quar É terback?"

Candidate No. 3: Mark McGwire. Current occupation: destroyer of records and small, white, horsehide-wound projectiles. Notable accomplishments: Broke Roger Maris' single-season home run record, has 17-inch forearms.

This is an easy choice, because whenever he does anything - be it blasting home runs, taking batting practice, grabbing his crotch while standing at first base or brushing his teeth - he gets cheers.

All he would have to do is stand up and turn around to the student section, and everyone would go nuts. And if that doesn't work, hell, he could even suit up for the Wolverines and play nose tackle or linebacker. Not that there's anything wrong with the ones Michigan has right now ...

Wait, nix that idea: Performance-enhancing Andro is banned in the NCAA. I guess he'll have to buy three tickets - one for him and two for his biceps - and cheer from the stands.

Candidate No. 4: James Earl Jones. Current occupation: Actor/voice guy/Darth Vader. Notable accomplishments: Exterminated the Jedi Knights, captured Han Solo, graduated from Michigan.

He's a favorite of the administration. After last year's attempt by students to have Jones' voice replace the CRISP lady's voice, Jones has had a resurgence in popularity at his alma mater. And with the re-release of the Star Wars Trilogy, Vader's galactic influence is clear.

When asked about the possibility of being the next Superfan, he cryptically replied: "Impressive."

Couldn't you just see Jones/Vader wielding his light saber to direct the wave in the Big House? At least he could use the force to guide the football through the uprights or deflect McNabb's passes to a wide-open receiver in the corner of the end zone.

Oh, how useful Vader would have been in South Bend last week.

Candidate No. 5: You. Current occupation: student/Michigan fan/ordinary joe. Notable accomplishments: whatever notable thing you've done recently.

If the Wolverines have 20,000 students blindly rooting for their team, not worrying about the consequences of what that attractive person standing two feet away is going to think, then an official Superfan is unnecessary.

Following a loss and returning to their own stadium, the Wolverines need rabid fans more than ever. If the new Michigan Stadium is truly a home field, then the crowd should cheer regardless of the score, regardless of what happened last week or last year.

This team is not a national champion. That was last year's team. This team is just trying to win its next game - plain and simple. And with or without a Superfan, they'll try.

But with you - yeah, you, reading this silly column - cheering on the Wolverines, that would make things go a lot smoother.

If not, the administration is going to go with Shatner. That's my pick, and remember: You heard it here first.

- Sharat Raju can be reached at sraju@umich.edu.

09-10-98