Your one-stop guide to the events of the year to come

"Dang!" you panic, frightened by your fickle world. "Who's gonna govern this state? Are we gonna pull off that Rose Bowl thing again? And why do we keep pissing off Osama bin Laden?"

Now, I don't claim to have ESP like the mystic Dionne Warwick. Instead, my uncanny insight into all your most intimate fears comes from personally surviving a decade and a half of fall semesters. I've come to realize that it's always the same seasonal dread that grips we academic mutants every September: We have no idea what to expect. Standing blind at the brink of a new chapter of our lives, we are predictably gripped by trepidation.

But, as I see it, there is no real reason to fear the events of the year ahead for the future is more or less predictable. In case you haven't noticed by now, history progresses in cycles, constantly replaying past events in new and perverted forms. The future will merely be the aftermath of past events. Nothing should come as too much of a surprise.

Scott Hunter Roll Through the Soul

So, in my endless concern for the psychological welfare of all anxious Wolverines, I have compiled here my predictions for the school year ahead: The Student's Guide to the 1998-1999 Academic Year. Be sure to toss this one in your planner. It's everything you'll need for a year free of surprises. Just think of me as your very own Psychic Friend.

* Sept. 22 - "White House, Dirty Blouse: The Monica Lewinsky Story" airs on Cinemax.

* Sept. 26 - After being overpowered at last year's Rose Bowl-ticket-clenching Ohio State football game, DPS vows not to be defeated again when it enlists the services of Angela Bassett to fortify its security force at the Michigan State game.

* Sept. 29 - Following the trend of Propositions 227 and 209, California voters pass Proposition 336, making it illegal to be a minority or non-English speaking person within the state of California.

* Nov. 7 - Bowing to pressure from students to keep the University's image on the cutting edge, the marching band debuts Puff Daddy's "Hail to the Victors (Bad Boy remix)" featuring Ma$e, and Lil' Kim at the Penn State game.

* Nov. 12 - Controversy ensues when Bill Clinton signs a $3.7 million endorsement deal with Phillip-Morris to promote the tobacco giant's new line of ribbed cigars.

* Dec. 4 - Jessica Curtin becomes the first student to sit on the University Board of Regents.

* Jan. 7 - Owing largely to new information revealed during testimony in the Monica Lewinsky trial, the Paula Jones suit returns to court.

* Jan. 8 - Commander-in-Chief Clinton orders the bombing of suspected sites of terrorist activity in the rebel territory of Quebec.

* Feb. 22 - In an attempt to increase consumer base and boost market share, Pfizer, Inc. expands its product line by introducing Viagra Gel-Caps, Viagra Extended Relief Caplets, and the controversial Viagra Patch.

* Mar. 8 - After managing to stay financially afloat through the turbulent 1990s, Dow Corning is finally forced into bankruptcy when Janet Jackson files suit for $100 million in damages.

* Mar. 19 - An unprecedented 73 percent of the student body votes in this year's MSA elections. The sharp rise comes after MSA officials, in a bit of election-time ingenuity, set up online voting terminals at frat parties campuswide.

* Mar. 22 - James Cameron's new epic film "Mayflower" starring Fred Savage fails to sweep this year's Academy Awards.

* Mar. 27 - Newly inaugurated governor Geoffrey Fieger admits in a nationally televised interview that there isn't, nor has there ever been, any Dr. Jack Kevorkian.

* Apr. 8 - The University Board of Regents approves a 4.7-percent tuition increase for the 1999-2000 school year. Acknowledging the exorbitant cost of a Michigan education, Office of Financial Aid officials unveil on the same day a slate of innovative payment options including grants, loans and the new Post-Graduate Sharecropping Program.

* Apr. 14 - Thanks to the financial savvy of Lee Bollinger, the University earns more than $2.9 million when "The Naked Mile" is televised live on Pay-Per-View.

And so will flow the days of your 1998-1999 academic year. It's just been laid out for you, crisp and clear in the pages of The Michigan Daily. So, if anything should go wrong in your life this year, don't say I didn't warn you.

- Scott Hunter can be reached over e-mail at sehunter@umich.edu.

09-14-98