Translation: 'Sweet, I'm never going to class again.'

Now, if you're a freshman, chances are you don't know too many people anyway, so your decisions will be based on the ratio of good-looking guys or girls.

Sarah Lockyer Locked and Loaded

But those of us who are no longer freshmen have the luxury of choosing classes based on whom we recognize when attendance is called. If while sitting through the first lecture you remember the faces of a good majority of the class, chances are this class will have to suffice. But if the majority of everyone else seems to know each other, and you're sitting there asking yourself why you've registered for "Women's Studies 5000 - Why Females are Goddesses," chances are you have one less class for the fall.

There is something to remember, though, when sizing up your classes and the other students in attendance: Everyone lies during the first week of school.

Example No. 1: You (a male) are walking out of class and a decent-looking female approaches you and says, "Hey! So, you're taking Comm 100? Great, we can study together." You respond, "Totally, the class shouldn't be that hard anyway, see ya next week."

Translation (male): "Sweet, I'm never going to class again. I'll call that chick up and copy her notes."

Translation (female): "Oh my God, I'm so excited that he's in my class. Now I can study with him, like, every week, and his friends are really hot."

Quite obviously, both parties involved have found a perfectly accommodating class for the fall, albeit through very different reasoning.

Example No. 2: You (a female) are at the bar and through your alcohol-induced vision, you find yourself staring at a decent-looking male, who seems to be talking to you about a class you supposedly have together. You have no idea what he's saying, only that when he smiles you notice his really nice teeth. You still have to respond so you mumble, "Great. Sure. Yeah. Alright, I'll see you in class."

Translation (female): "Oh my God, I have a hotty in my class. I just hope I recognize him next week, maybe I should find him before I leave tonight."

Translation (male): "That girl was totally into me, she wants me. I'll have to find her before I leave tonight."

Not only have these two found an exciting class for the fall, they also scheduled in some extracurricular activities.

Example No. 3: You (a female) are walking into class and a girl from last year's Spanish class runs up to you and screams, "Hi! Remember me from Spanish? This class is gonna Rock, aren't you excited?" You respond, "Oh yeah, hi. I'm not sure if I'm really into economics. Um, I have to go the bathroom, I'll see you in class."

Translation (female who went to the bathroom): "No way, this is so my luck, that girl is so annoying. She, like, harassed me last year. Well, there goes my chance to get into the B-School. This, like, so sucks. Whatever, I didn't want to crunch numbers for the rest of my life anyway, law school could be fun."

Translation (girl from Spanish class): "Great. That girl was really nice, she always has to go to the bathroom, though. I wonder if she is OK; maybe I should go check on her ... Hey! Are you all right?"

In this scenario, it is time to evaluate your mental health versus a prerequisite. Suffering through class is enough in itself, but an overbearing acquaintance that thinks you're her best friend is just insufferable. Looks as though one found a class, while it's back to the drawing room for another.

Example No. 4: You (a male) are sitting in class when a guy sits next to you and says, "Hey man, what's up." You respond with the ever-present male head nod. No words are spoken when performing this salutation.

Translation (speaking male): "I think I know that kid, I might have been hooking up with his girlfriend when he was abroad. I wonder if she's still seeing that loser; well, I guess I have all semester to find out."

Translation (nodding male): "I can't believe that asshole is gonna sit next to me, I think he was that guy that kissed my girl once when I was in Spain. It better have just been once; well, I have all semester to find out."

Battling egos will keep these two guys registered for their "Waves and Beaches" mini-course, even though the voice of reason is saying to just leave and take it next semester.

So there you have it. None of us really wants to be in class, a schedule is made and kept depending on how many distractions the other students can offer.

- Sarah Lockyer can be reached over e-mail at slockyer@umich.edu.

09-15-98