Some advice to help students join the elite company of the "Fashionably Aware"

I imagine many of you are out there rolling your eyes, snorting in disbelief at this statement. That's fine. I'm sure you just don't know any better. You've never experienced first-hand the humiliation of arriving at a party in formal wear when the invitation specifically said semi-formal. You simply don't understand.

Andrew Mortensen Big Ideas (Don't Get Any)

In an effort to raise consciousness regarding this pressing problem, I have decided to share some of my fashion expertise with you all. With luck, we'll all have learned something by the time I'm done, and have some fun in the process.

I am - and I say this modestly - a fullblown fashion expert, having spent the better part of three years contemplating my navel at the prestigious Universite du Fromage in London, France. During the long hours of my contemplation, I came across the key to perfect style. (I credit this to the relentless marketing of one Tommy Hilfiger, whose support and singular drive to brainwash the youth of America is a continuing inspiration for me.) The combinations of clothing I've developed, along with the subtle usage of appropriate accessories, will absolutely guarantee your position at the height of the social ladder.

I swear by the first stitch sewn by Calvin Klein that you'll be the life of every party you grace with your presence. In a show of complete charity very unlike me, as I usually charge high fees, I'm freely revealing those secrets of fashion, I suggest you all find a pencil and a piece of paper to take some notes.

A friend recently complained to me that he felt he was running into the same people everywhere he went on campus. Poor, simple man, he wasn't running across the same people everywhere, as though he were the victim of some odd and incompetent conspiracy; rather, he had stumbled over large pockets of the Fashionably Aware. These people have learned that the first rule in style is to kill all sense of individuality. You must look like everyone else. Don't dress as though you have a mind of your own: this just embarrasses all involved. It's best for you to sit back and observe for awhile until you get the hang of anticipating what everyone else will wear. I know it sounds hard, but believe me, you'll catch on fast!

I've decided to focus primarily on formal wear in this column. This is merely because I hold that appearance is of crucial importance to your worth as a human being. But the principles I've laid out for you can be applied to informal dress as well, should the necessity arise.

Before we get into specific articles of clothing, let me remind you that earthtones are the wave of the future, and natural dyes are held in especially high esteem. To that end, we will be employing the use of soil with some frequency.

First of all, check your pants. You may wear one of two types of trousers: a) khaki slacks; or b) jeans. Don't attempt both at once; to do so is to indulge in the basest form of excess. If you decide that jeans are the way to go, please note that not just any jeans are suitable for partying. No sir, your jeans should be fully capable of standing on their own, or, if possible, capable of walking. If you notice that your jeans aren't pulling your weight, so to speak, don't despair!

Just head to the nearest University bus stop. The bus drivers would be more than happy to run over your jeans a few times, ensuring your pants will be ready for a night out on the town.

Next ask yourself, "Does my hat have that wretched, dilapidated, yet mysteriously sexy look?" If the answer is no, break out the razor blades and give your hat the once over. After carefully slashing the hat, head outside. You're looking for a filthy gutter. Once you find one, drag the hat through the sludge no more than three times. I simply can't emphasize this enough. More than three times, and the hat begins to look revolting rather than Rugged and Alluring.

Ladies, the word on the street in women's fashion is "tight." Tight pants are particularly important. Ideally, your pants should cut off all circulation below your knees. This allows you to ignore the irreparable damage your pontoon-like shoes are doing to your feet, and at the same time imparts a dangerous, fascinating, not to mention unsteady, quality to your walk. Your shirts should be tight as well, but I can't say this without also adding a word of warning: too tight, and you run the risk of constricting bloodflow to your brain. I don't need to tell you this isn't good. Don't forget you'll be playing the opposite to the guys' au naturelle ensemble, so clean clothes are a must. But you do want to match your colors to theirs at least somewhat, that way you will blend perfectly with the herd, so it's best to stick to earthtones; dark browns and blacks are highly recommended.

And that just about exhausts the stores of my extensive knowledge. It's finally time to send you out on your own to test your newfound expertise ... I just know you'll do well.

Now go out there and make me proud!

09-17-98