Suggestions for fighting fourth-quarter boredom

We're three games into the season, and there has yet to be a fourth quarter worth watching. No game has offered anything worthy of sticking around for, other than watching Drew Henson.

Seriously, that's really all anybody cares about at this point in a young season. The loudest cheers in Michigan Stadium, arguably, are when Howard King announces "now at quarterback for the Wolverines ..."

MARGARET MYERS/Daily Freshman sensation Drew Henson passed for 53 yards Saturday, 32 of which came on a fourth-quarter touchdown pass to fellow freshman David Terrell.

Other than that, there's really nothing worth watching in the fourth quarter of a Michigan football game this season. In light of this fact, here are a few suggestions of how to maintain interest should this trend continue for the duration of the season.

¥ Hold tryouts for spots in the defensive backfield.

The departure of Charles Woodson to the pros coupled with Marcus Ray's suspension leaves the Wolverines with an inexperienced secondary. Dewayne Patmon, James Whitley and Andre Weathers have been having some problems.

So, whether you are in the stands at the Big House or in your own house watching the game, grab some people and hold a short tryout session. It isn't hard - all you need is an open area. And if the first three games are any indication, that won't be hard to find.

But make sure you include a 40-yard dash, vertical leap and flexibility test. Oh yeah, a teaching session on how to turn and look for the ball when it's in the air also needs to be included. That's big.

¥ Get a free football actually used in the game.

All you need to do is position yourself in the back of the end zone so that you can catch a Hayden Epstein kickoff and get a free ball.

Sharat Raju Sharat in the Dark

This may prove hard to do, since the freshman placekicker is booting the ball nearly out of the stadium. Also, getting onto the playing field isn't so easy because officers have been known to use mace on occasion. But hey, you've got a whole season so you may as well design an attack plan.

It doesn't matter, because if you get an Epstein-kicked ball, it will just have a gaping hole in the side, anyway. Rendered useless.

¥ Perfect your "I-don't-care-if-we're-not-going-to-a-major-bowl-game-because-we-won-the-national-title-last-year" face.

If you're confused about this particular look, call someone at Miami (Fla.). The Hurricanes have been using that excuse for more than a decade now.

¥ Construct larger first-down markers.

On long third downs, Michigan wide receivers have been having some difficulty in running patterns that will produce a first down. At times, balls are caught a good four yards short of a first down.

An ideal sign would have to be big. An eyesore. Easy to see. Perhaps - oh, I don't know - a bright neon yellow with gigantic blue words like "Hail to the Victors!" or "Conquering Heroes!"

And I think I know where you can find one ...

MARGARET MYERS/Daily Michigan cornerback William Peterson breaks away down the sideline on his 51-yard interception return for a touchdown in the second quarter of Saturday's game.

¥ Find out what Justin Fargas eats for breakfast.

The freshman running back has got guts. Twice this season, he's tried to go over the top in goal-line situations. Against Notre Dame, he jumped nearly four yards forward and upward, but fell short of the end zone.

Last Saturday, late in the fourth quarter, Fargas went over the top again and got clocked by Eastern Michigan linebacker Scott Russell. That takes athleticism, confidence and a little insanity. Hopefully, the Wolverines will utilize the speedy back more and get him some yardage.

¥ Perfect your "I-don't-care-if-we-do-lose-to-Michigan-State-or-Ohio-State-because-I-am-a-hockey-fan-anyway" excuses.

For the wealthy among us who actually could afford paying for hockey season tickets, these excuses will be invaluable in about a week.

Of course, if the hockey team has been watching the football team and taking notes on how to defend a national championship - those notes should be burned.

By the way, opening night is Oct. 3 against Guelph.

¥ Begin taking orders for the "Beginning of the Drew Henson Era" T-shirts.

If you're an enterprising student looking to make quick bucks, this is the way to do it. It might be hard to sell initially, if the Wolverines start winning under Tom Brady for the next few games.

But you would have no problem selling one to each member of the student section when the season gets out of hand and it's time to give the reigns to Henson.

Well, try some of these if you're bored and considering leaving in the fourth quarter. Instead of leaving, give some of these a shot and make your fourth-quarter Michigan Stadium experience an enjoyable one.

- Sharat Raju can be reached at sraju@umich.edu.

09-21-98