Sitcom doesn't offer secrets

"Vegas baby, Vegas," Vince Vaughn utters to his buddy Jon Favereu near the beginning of the Doug Liman film, "Swingers." Now if Liman made this film ten years later, these guys would probably be crying, "Alimony baby, alimony." And, voila, that's the premise of the new ABC comedy "The Secret Lives of Men," a half hour of "Swingers"-turns-35 from Susan Harris, creator of the charming show, "The Golden Girls."

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	Secret Lives of Men 2 stars ABC, Wednesdays at 9:30 p.m.

These men, however, are far from golden, lacking a charasmatic Vaughn crooning, "Our baby's all growed up." "Secret Lives" follows the lives of three middle-aged, divorced buddies leaning on each other as they bounce to and from favorite guy places like the bar and the golf course.

Like "Swingers," which also showcases the putting green and the pub, there are two scenes in the premiere episode that highlight an answering machine, not to mention the Dean Martin-esque songs that play when the show cuts for commercials. But Favereu plays no part in the poor writing of this underachieving sitcom.

The premiere episode focuses on Michael, played by "While You Were Sleeping"'s Peter Gallagher. Gallagher's acting is way over the top as he learns that his ex-wife plans to marry his best friend and move to Los Angeles, taking his kids. He shakes h

Courtesy of ABC Television Peter Gallagher, Miche Rouse and Brad Whitford reveal the secrets of men.

is head in amazed disgust, but is Mike disgusted with his wife, his life, or is it Peter who's disgusted with himself for sinking so low into the abysmal television sitcom?

Joining Gallagher for this mediocre mecca are his two buds, Andy and Phil, played by Mitch Rouse and Brad Whitford. Harris creates similar characters comparable to the Betty White and Estelle Getty roles of Rose and Sophia in "The Golden Girls," with the clueless Andy and the wise-cracking, sharp-witted Phil.

The Phil character brings the only laughable grace to "Secret Lives," sharing his insight on the benefits of being divorced by claiming, "I'm finally able to take a nice, peaceful dump."

Another one of the minimal laugh-out-loud moments occurs when Mike explains who his ex-wife is seeing and Phil blurts out, "Son of a bitch!" Funny, but resorting to lines from other shows (like, I don't know, "South Park") is pretty low.

But the show's writers don't fail completely. In a following scene, Phil and Andy confront Mike's back-stabbing best friend Barry, a commercial director, and Andy ironically decrees, "Ya know, you're lucky you're moving to Hollywood cause guys like you do very well out there. It's great to see Hollywood poke fun at its cutthroat self.

Other than these few scenes, though, "Secret Lives" dies. There's nothing secret in the lives of these men who frequent the aforementioned typical guy places. "Lives" provides no new insight into the life of the American male and doesn't even resort to having its characters banter about the enjoyable, over-discussed topic of women. They just make crack after crack about each other and let the always-annoying laugh track yuk away. If you're looking for a far better comedic look into the real secret lives of men, go rent

09-23-98