There are always exceptions to every rule, even at the library

The University's campus provides a few places other than the library to get some work done. Cava Java, for instance, not only allows you to buy ridiculously over-priced coffee but also offers prime seating - a great place to be seen in the newest, tightest black pants, five-inch platforms and a barely-there BeBe tank top or the male equivalent: baggy jeans or khakis and a plain white tee - sunglasses optional, name brand mandatory.

Rendez-Vous offers a similar atmosphere, although it's not as ridiculously overpriced as Cava Java, and the cliental is not as overly pretentious. But don't plan on actually getting any work done at either place. The soon-to-be-gone warm weather and the constant flow of people are way too distracting to focus on something like statistics or economics. Eventually, we will all have to go to the library.

The Shapiro Undergraduate Library -the UGLi - is probably the only place that will make you feel like you're being productive while you're really getting absolutely nothing done. But sometimes, on very rare occasions, work does need to be taken care of and an actual library atmosphere needs to be facilitated. So, here are some rules of the game.

Rule No.1 (this applies especially to women): If you bump into friends when entering the UGLi and circling the floors before committing to a location, do not scream, shriek, squeak, wail, gasp or even raise your voice above an acceptable level. It really isn't that odd that an acquatiance would be studying at the largest library on Central Campus at a highly selective university. It's like bumping into someone at the bar; everyone goes to the same one; after all, we only have four. And yes, we all know it's really exciting to find a friend but please spare the rest of the library patrons a "Saved by the Bell"-like reunion.

Rule No.2 (again, this applies especially to women.): Do not, under any circumstances, discuss the weekend. No one needs to hear how, like, totally wasted you were; how you, like, forgot how you got home; how embarrassed you were when, "Oh My God!" that happened, what he said, what he did and especially, how he did it.

It was a weekend for everyone and chances are everyone did the same thing. There is no need to relive the weekend in earshot of the general populous. Go find a friend (see Rule No. 1) and have a cigarette outside, which brings up the next issue.

Rule No. 3: Smoke outside. No, not outside the first set of doors - really outside. Go stand in the cold and light your Parliament Lights. You came to Michigan voluntarily and you knew it was cold. Don't make everyone else reek because you think it's too cold to stand outside.

Rule No. 4: Speaking of reeking ... do not ever remove your shoes - ever. No library patron should be subject to the sight or smell of a stranger's feet. If you must remove your shoes for some odd reason, do not walk around in bare feet. Sure, everyone likes to feel comfortable while studying, but the library is not your dorm room, living room or bedroom.

Rule No. 5: Speaking of the bedroom ... keep the public displays of affection to a minimum. Actually, just keep them out all together. Everyone in the library is really happy that you're so happy, but no one needs to see a show of just exactly how happy you are.

Rule No. 6 (this applies especially to men): While checking e-mail at a computer lab, or even at an express station, do not speak to your friends unless you are sitting or standing right next to each other. Just because you can see your friends over the computer monitor does not give you the right to scream across the room. And no, it does not matter if Sammy Sosa just caught up with Mark McGwire or if the Cubs just got the wild-card spot.

Rule No. 7 (this is particularly for underclassmen who feel the need to travel to the library in groups of five or more): When establishing a study area, do not place a "girl's table" next to a "guy's table." It's quite obvious that the rest of the night will be spent getting up, walking over to the respective hotties and talking at an overly obnoxious level. Do everyone a favor - skip the pleasantries and just sit together.

Now, we've all learned since second grade that to every rule there belongs an exception. Quite clearly, when you are the one breaking the above-stated rules, you, without a doubt, are the exception. There is no question that your particular situation is so urgent and so important that it supercedes all library etiquette. So there you have it. A quick guide to library usage and the rules that everyone should follow - everyone but yourself, of course.

- Sarah Lockyer can be reached over e-mail at slockyer@umich.edu

Sarah Lockyer Locked and Loaded

09-29-98