Poverty Paté, a modest proposal

The reasoning is cogent enough. Some kids have an allergy to the oil in peanuts. A few of them are so sensitive to it that just getting the oil on their hands, inhaling particles crushed nuts or even eating plain M&Ms made in the same vats as their peanut brothers can cause rashes, dizziness, difficulty breathing and even death if the child goes into anaphylactic shock.

Some parents have, predictably, complained. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches have raised millions of pink-cheeked tract-home progeny into strong and healthy adults. To remove the food entirely, to see it as "bad," is a kind of blow to childhood itself. Imagine the FDA finding out that carrot sticks and hot dogs cause diphtheria.

Anyway, these selfish parents say they don't see why they should have to alter their child's diet, for the worse, and inconvenience themselves just to accommodate a segment of the student body that is small by their own admission. Further, they argue that children are hard to supervise in an elementary school situation, and the rules would be useless because the little rug rats would do whatever they like anyway.

The parents of the at-risk children counter that whatever inconvenience their kids' allergies cause other parents, it can't be any worse than putting them in the way of such serious harm. More to the point, they argue that being white, uptight, semi-affluent and constipated means that the world their children inhabit should be totally free from risk, unpleasantness and pain. They shouldn't even have to look at the homeless on the street if it ruins their ballet lessons.

I, myself, could not agree more. Something must be done about the scourge of peanuts immediately. Our preppie children are getting sick. Dozens of them, I'm sure, have gone home sick from school this year alone - their little sick faces framed in the back windows of Eddie Bauer detailed Ford Explorers, vomit stains festoon the front of their carefully purchased Polo for Kids ensemble.

This must stop. I want to see puke-colored ribbons on the DKNY outfits of Oscar nominated titty-monsters. I want Jimmy Carter crying in contrition on national television. I want to see Mr. Peanut beaten and castrated at a Yankee playoff game.

Think of the horror that has already visited the WASP community (and haven't our people suffered enough?) Mothers racing home from work at the software company warehouse space, raffish blazer and National Public Radio T-shirt rumpled from worry to comfort children, some sick for hours. Dads in Saabs with mustaches and marketing degrees, wearing out the crepe rubber on their Bass Weejuns to be with their eugenically produced soccer rats.

I, therefore, respectfully submit the following modest proposal: Create a 100-percent safe school lunch food substitute so the precious peanut allergic can continue to eat with impunity.

Begin by grinding up the poorest 20 percent of the student body and making them into a delicious, safe paté. This should be easy enough. Their parents are probably some kind of labor union, ethnic types. Offer them, say, $7 a pound and the parents of the fatter children will probably win over whatever stragglers there may be. Perhaps a slightly higher price for the more well-marbled children.

Think of the savings alone in busing that would result by eating the poor. It would also eliminate the guilt and discomfort of having to interact with people outside of your socioeconomic class.

With Poverty Paté, there is no risk of peanut contamination, and no more sick little Joshuas, Kristens and Ashleys. Some of the children may be a little leery at the prospect of cannibalism.

To ameliorate this anxiety, explain to them how slaughtering and eating the poor will prepare them for jobs in the corporate world, where the wealthy and lucky not only have to eat the poor, but screw them as well.

The kids could make a little game out of it. We could do it up like a lobster tank. They get to pick out the plump classmate of their choice ("Bring me the Italian one, he amuses me.")

Poverty Paté. Revitalizing public education never tasted so good. Available next to the $75 olive oil and vinegar at Zingerman's and wherever fine yuppie cuisine is served.

- James Miller can be reached over e-mail at jamespm@umich.edu

James Miller On Tap

09-30-98