The Naked Mile - Liquor and nudity don't mix

Our tradition began about 13 years ago when the crew and track teams decided to peel through the streets of Ann Arbor stark naked. In subsequent years, other students - jealous of the crew team's newfound coolness - decided that on the last day of classes they too would run around campus naked. And a harmless student tradition was born.

Scott Hunter Roll Through the Soul

But somewhere along the way, things went awry. When word got out that all of us teens and 20-somethings were running across our campus buck naked, shady people crept out of the woodwork and thronged to campus for the event.

We're talking dirty old men with high-powered zoom lenses.

We're talking professional internet pornographers willing to sell pictures of your bare bosom for people to download (by the way, if you don't believe me, go to the search engine of your choice and type in "Naked Mile").

There are the shady guys who try to reach out and grope unsuspecting runners.

And there are the expert investigative reporters from shows of "Hard Copy"caliber.

Needless to say, this event has evolved into more than a student tradition. In this evolution, the event lost much of its innocence.

Then, of course, there's the problem of alcohol. Somewhere early on in the evolution of the event, someone discovered that it was just about impossible to conceive of running bare-assed through the Diag before 10,000 spectators unless he or she was stone-cold drunk. While the liquor might make the exposure a little more bearable, it presents problems of its own.

After all, everyone knows that all sensibility, street smarts and common sense evaporate after downing a couple liters of Colt 45.

Now put these things together: A bunch of sketchy old people and a bunch of drunken, randy kids. You've got a guaranteed disaster. Last year, several people were rushed to hospitals in ambulances.

Dirty old men got into fights with angry students who didn't want their packages on tape. The Diag suffered $13,000 in damage. And there were reportedly several instances of harassment.

But Ann Arbor is not alone in its shame. Students at Princeton University this year held what will likely be their final Nude Olympics. This decision was reached after the school faced many of the same problems that we continue to face: property damage, injuries and fighting. Plus, there were reports of four men groping an unconscious woman and of couples having sex out in plain view.

So, it's not just that Wolverines are especially randy and rowdy; it's that there's something inherently lethal about the whole liquor/nudity/old-dirty-pervert mix. It's a great big safety hazard. And despite all the valiant efforts taken by DPS, MSA and various student organizations last year, disaster still struck. People were still groped and fights still erupted.

So, does this all mean that we should end the whole Naked Mile? Should we send all of Larry Flynt's disciples packing and spend the last day of classes curled up with Orgo books and cell maps?

Well, maybe. Certainly if nothing improves, we can't seriously consider continuing the event. The safety costs outweigh the benefits.

To some, ending the Naked Mile is the best solution. In fact, I just got a letter from the almighty University President Lee Bollinger the other day, begging me not to run the Naked Mile (Don't worry, Lee. My mama raised me better and besides, I cannot run a mile without my lungs exploding). Actually, all seniors got the letter. And in it, Bollinger urged us to seriously consider the possible consequences before we run. Sounds fair enough.

So this year, before you toss your Fruit of the Looms to the wind and before you unleash Victoria's secret, just remember to be smart.

This means it might be a good idea to lay off the Colt 45.

This means keeping the tempers in check.

This means no walking around alone.

This means keeping your hands to yourself.

Remember: All the volunteers, DPS officers and free T-shirts in the world can't do a thing to protect us unless we protect ourselves. The whole student body is probably a little more educated on the dangers of the event this year thanks to the Michigan Student Assembly's pamphleteering, discussions on the event and some great reporting. So, we've got no excuse for a big riot this year.

If we don't all make the event safer, it'll be gone sooner than we think.

- Scott Hunter can be reached over

e-mail at sehunter@umich.edu.

04-19-99