I mean, how in the hell can someone confidently assure me that Jack Nicklaus was a better athlete than Secretariat? In case you missed that episode of ESPN's "SportsCentury," Secretariat was a horse, people! Gee, I wonder who wins that 40-yard dash.
But, guess what? I gave in. Jumping on the "join 'em if you can't beat 'em" bandwagon, I decided to come up with my own little list. Being as this is my last column of the decade, I will now, for your reading enjoyment, give you the best and worst
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Branden Sanz |
10. "Extreme" Sports. It used to be that people looked at you like a weirdo for riding a motorcycle. Now, if someone says you're eccentric because you like to skydive, you can look him right in the face and say, "Hey! It's not like I'm one of those street luge freaks!"
9. Country Line Dancing. Created by men, for men. Where else on earth do all the girls get out on the dance floor, line up next to each other and proceed to dance the exact same dance so you can compare their various "attributes" to each other. All this for the viewing pleasure of some drunken rednecks watching from their tables.
"Say, Jim-Bob, check out the moves on Number Three."
"You're right, Cody, but No. 11 has quite a rack."
I think I hear the Diamondback calling my name.
8. The Explosion of Sex/Violence in Movies and TV. "Friends" would have been too racy for prime-time in 1985, and "Starship Troopers" would have been rated X for violence alone. We've come a long way, baby.
7. The Endurance of Bond. Even Timothy Dalton couldn't kill everyone's favorite secret agent. Brosnan may not be Sean Connery, but even Nicholas Cage would look cool if he got to drink martinis, hook up with supermodels and kill a lot of bad guys. Well, maybe not Nick Cage, but you get the point.
6. Pro Wrestling. Modern pro wrestling is nothing more than a soap opera on steroids. The acting is no worse and the storyline is certainly a lot more fun (mmm ... Nitro Girls). Besides, I'll bet you a million to one that Stone Cold can kick Lorenzo Lamas's ass.
5. The Wonderbra. I think we can all see the logic behind this.
4. The Internet. You can check football scores, purchase a new suit and watch porn - all without leaving your favorite chair. Hooray for progress!
3. The Resurgence of Alcohol. Alcohol once again overtook cocaine as the social drug of choice in the '90s. Hey, it tastes better, kills you much slower and looks a whole lot cooler. So the only question is this - why did it take an entire frickin' decade for people to figure this out?
2. 1997 Michigan National Championship. Greise, Woodson and the rest of the Jedi Knight Defense gave us one hell of a run. I'm glad I was here for it.
And the best thing about the '90s is ...
1. SportsCenter. Yeah, baby!! It may not be the "Big Show" anymore, but it's still the best hour on TV there is. Cooler than the other side of the pillow, indeed.
And now for the fun stuff. The Worst Things of 1990-1999:
10. New York Yankees. Team of the Decade, blah, blah, blah. Nobody cares. Professional baseball is a dying sport, poisoned by overinflated salaries and even bigger egos.
9. Wimpy Heroes. Nicholas Cage and Leonardo DiCaprio are now action heros? You've got to be kidding me. Maybe Stallone and Arnold were bad actors, but at least my little sister couldn't beat them to death with her bare hands.
8. Supermodels. Why should the world care about the activities of some 16-year-old anorexic girl just because she wears DKNY on the runway? Our ridiculous fascination with these people is one of the driving forces behind the starvation look I like to call "Third World Chic." Eat something, girl. I promise you'll be okay.
7. Devolution of the NBA. In the '80s we had heroes. We could look up to Magic, Michael and Larry. Who do kids look up to nowadays? Dennis Rodman? Latrell Sprewell? And people actually are surprised when their kids turn into assault-prone, tattooed, body-pierced crossdressers. I can see it now: "Be Like Spre!"
6. Gangsta Rap. Here's an idea - let's make songs glorifying drug abuse, rape and murder. Then we'll sell millions of records and get rich while gullible kids who think these things are cool tear apart our neighborhoods.
5. Extremist Groups. Can't we all just get along?
4. Frivolous Lawsuits. As Nike said, "Just Sue It" was the rallying cry for millions during the '90s who, firmly convinced that "personal responsibility" was just one big conspiracy by Da Man - hey wait! I already wrote that column.
3. Scandal Fetish and the All-Pervasive Media. Why does anyone care who in Washington is sleeping with whom as long as they are doing their jobs?
2. Grunge. This fad was created by ugly people, for ugly people. Really. You could line up the Prom Queen and the Village Troglodyte and be hard pressed to tell the difference when they both have no makeup, ratty hair and are wearing dingy, oversized flannel shirts. Three cheers for the ugly individual who figured this one out. They really leveled the playing field.
And the Worst Thing About the '90s is ...
1. Political Correctness. Let's get rid of quick, accurate terms for things and substitute long, complex terms, which are actually incorrect but appease a large portion of the "historically oppressed" voting block. Guess what, folks? Protection against being offended, insulted or degraded is not a constitutional right. Deal with it.
Happy Millennium.
- Branden Sanz can be reached over
e-mail at hammerhead@umich.edu.
12-10-99
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