Meeting rednecks in Orange nothing to be upset about

Florida is the Southeastern Conference's elite, the cream of the crop - maybe not this year, but traditionally. How great would it be for Michigan (and the Big Ten) to be the team to put the Gators (and the SEC) in their place?

Not too long ago, a reporter asked Michigan coach Lloyd Carr if there's one team he'd like to face. Carr smiled and said yes. But in typical Lloyd Carr fashion, he wouldn't say which team.

The reporter followed up by asking, "Is it a certain team coached by a former Heisman Trophy winner?"

Josh Kleinbaum Apocalypse Now

Again, Carr wouldn't answer, but the smile that crept through his face betrayed him. Of course it was the Gators, with the hot shot Heisman-winning coach whose ego weighs more than his offensive line. Steve Spurrier, constantly pacing the sidelines with his orange visor, just asking for an ass-whooping. And who's better to give him one than the Wolverines?

Apparently, Alabama. To the tune of 27 points in the SEC title game. So Michigan plays the Crimson Tide on New Year's day.

My initial reaction? Blah.

What the hell is a Crimson Tide, anyway? And why is their mascot an elephant - and not even a crimson one at that? I once heard a story about hick from Alabama confusing a herd of stampeding elephants for a tidal wave, which was apparently the color crimson. Hence the Crimson Tide. But I don't put any stock in that.

Then there's the fact that the team's nickname is singular, which always leaves writers wondering whether to refer to the school as an 'it' or a 'them.' To solve this problem, we can simply replace the singular 'Crimson Tide' with the plural 'Hillbillies.'

So Michigan plays the Alabama Hillbillies on New Year's day.

And the more I think about the game, the better it gets.

Michigan and Alabama match up well. They've both got terrific defenses, with potential holes in the secondary. They're both traditionally run-oriented teams, and, as usual, have strong running games. But this year, both teams have opened the game up offensively, passing more than usual and even occasionally using a spread offense. Put those two teams together and you've got the makings of a classic.

Alabama is fun to watch. They've got an explosive running back in Shaun Alexander, who may be one of the nation's best. They've got a a Batman quarterback in Andrew Zow - every time he completes a pass, the word 'Zow!' pops up on the TV screen in a bubble - and an electric quarterback in Tyler Watts - if you can't figure this one out, try a high school physics class.

Both are of the new breed, the Donovan McNabb and Michael Vick-esque quarterbacks who are just as much a threat to run the ball as they are to throw it. Rumor has it that Hillbillies coach Mike DuBose employs the QB rotation because Watts, an Alabama native, isn't toilet trained and needs to go to the lockerroom every now and then to change his Depends.

Bo Schembechler said earlier this week that Alabama might be the best team in the country, and he could be right. They escaped the toughest schedule in the nation with just two losses. Against the Gators, the Hillbillies proved that rednecks could be the class of the conference. On New Year's Day, Michigan has the chance to prove that the Big Ten is the class of the country, even if the Wolverines don't have Steve Spurrier to beat around.

- Josh Kleinbaum can be reached via e-mail at jkbaum@umich.edu

12-10-99