A career opportunity for the real second-semester senior

For those of us who have yet to receive a job offer (only, of course, because we haven't tried our hardest). For those of us who have yet to receive acceptance letters from Tulane Law, Columbia Med. or Harvard Grad. School (only, of course, because the letters are stuck in Ann Arbor's ridiculously slow mail). And for those of us who do not have the luxury of bumming in Aspen for the next year (only, of course, because we're sick of the cold weather), the career opportunity of a lifetime has arrived.

Sarah Lockyer

Company: We Party, Too! A leading supplier of recent college graduates shipped and delivered to your event, on time and ready to socialize. Named as "Up-starters of 1998" by We Stroke Our Own Egos Magazine, We Party, Too! fills a market niche often neglected - that of the professional partier. A company that offers tremendous growth potential and competitive salaries, We Party, Too! is perfect for college grads that have absolutely no idea what they want to pursue next year but know that they want to keep drinking heavily.

*We Party, Too! is not responsible for clothing attire of graduates. "Looks" can be requested but are not guaranteed. We house everything from East Quad's hippies to Markley's Just Absolutely Pathetic and trendy dress-alikes. We Party, Too! is also not responsible for party conversations as they may vary from Donna Karan's Spring '99 line to the lack of strong play in Superbowl XXXIII. We Party, Too! is an Equal Opportunity Employer, even for the inexperienced pre-med students.

Position Available: Full-time partier

Requirements: A 4-year degree from any large university or college, preferably in Kinesiology, communications or any independent study. Black-out experience a plus, but not required. Hangovers strongly discouraged, but on the job training is available. Candidates must have the ability to socialize and possess strong communication skills. Leadership qualities are encouraged.

Salary: To be determined according to candidate experience. Free drinks and transportation for all assignments. Commissions will be granted on a per late-night hook up basis. Full benefits offered (cirrhosis of the liver excluded).

Contact Career Placement and Planning for interview times and scheduling. A mock interview has been included for your benefit, please read on.

Interviewer: Good afternoon/Good evening (no interviews are given before noon and it should be noted that arriving late to an interview, or arriving intoxicated, is never looked down upon). Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself.

Candidate: Well, um, I'm a graduating senior and I've come to the realization that four years at this institution hasn't really taught me anything. I'm really good at taking shots but I'm even better at drinking myself into an amazing haze of idiocy. I was once found outside the bar, annihilated, and had to be taken to 821 East University by an acquaintance.

Interviewer: Only once?

Candidate: Well, only once that I can remember.

Interviewer: So, you have some experience with blacking out then, should I assume that?

Candidate: You don't have to assume it, I black out about four times a week.

Interviewer: Great! Well, you've established yourself as quite a drinker. Can you give me an example of a time when you led a team.

Candidate: Um, well, I never go out alone, so I've always been a member of a team, and we work well together. One of us will establish our location at a table, sometimes a difficult job if we arrive later than usual at the bar, while someone else will start a tab with the bar tender. I'm usually the social leader of the group, making small talk with the ladies/men next to us, grabbing the waitress to let her/him know we're here and in need of service and working on setting the tone for the evening. I'm usually thinking "Is it a quarters night, a shots night, a kick-back and drink beer night? What do people want?" A good example of my leadership skills would be one night when things were starting to slow down, I took it upon myself to order pitchers and start a game of quarters. The night wasn't the same after that.

Interviewer: Sounds good. Now, do you suffer from hang-overs, and if so, what do you do to overcome that short coming?

Candidate: I will be honest and say that I still get hang-overs every now and then. While that is a weakness for this job, I'm working toward improvement. Laying on the couch all day and watching movies on Comedy Central is always a good remedy.

Interviewer: You sound like you have a good handle on your drinking abilities, you show promise and don't yet seem to be showing any signs of slowing your heavy drinking schedule. We'll talk about hooking up during the second round interviews, sound good?

Candidate: Hell yeah, but I have to go, happy hour starts in 15 minutes.

- Sarah Lockyer can be reached over

e-mail at slockyer@umich.edu.

Locked and Loaded

02-02-99