Things to do when there isn't anything to do

James Miller

Miller

on Tap

It can happen to any student. Say you've read ahead in the assigned reading. Say you've already covered this sort of information in another class. Or just say you're not yourself that day and a lecture is the last thing you can keep your mind on.

We all do things in class to keep ourselves entertained. Even the most diligent students let their minds wander. Even your professors, when they were our age, got bored one day and doodled in the margin of their notebooks. This is an attempt, to codify and bring order to the world of lecture games.

(Editor's note: The author would like a chance to cover his behind. To anyone reading this piece who is currently or has been a professor of mine, or to anyone reading this who might have a say in the way my shaky future turns out, please do not regard this article as an admission of inattention or lack of interest in any course or professor. Sufficiently backpeddled, we continue.)

The Word Count. This is a personal favorite, so I'll talk about it first. This only works in discussion section and preferably one that has lots of talking in it. Pick an imbecile. Pick your favorite imbecile. Now pick a word such as "like" or "society" or a whole phrase like "I was just going to say..." Count the number times in one stretch your mark says one of these words.

"Well, I was just going to say, like, I think that, um, like this has a lot to do with like, society and the way it like, um, like does things and the way society treats like, people. Does that makes sense?"

That's money in the bank right there. For extra fun you can play with the person next to you. Have each of you pick an imbecile and a certain word. The person whose imbecile used the word most often wins. Listen careful. Small brains have fast tongues.

The Cutting Session. This is another one to play in discussion with a friend. Start a fake rivalry between the two of you. I used to play this game with my friend Aaron in philosophy class. It goes something like this. He raises his hand and makes a point. Immediately raise your hand so you get called on next. When the GSI calls on you say "Well, I think the Aaron makes a good point for someone of his intelligence. I think (blah, blah, blah.) Did you follow that, Aaron? Need smaller words?"

Your partner raises his hand and responds: "I disagree with the butthead to my right, who probably couldn't find a bowl of rice in a Chinese restaurant. I think Descartes probably was Maoist. What do you think of that, toolbox?" (Blows his nose on your backpack.)

Repeat this pattern, getting more childish and cruel sounding with each cycle.

This is an especially fun game to play in a class you plan on dropping, as you can have the fight escalate into fake fisticuffs and racial epithets ("Die, honkey scum!"). Try and knock over some of the furniture if you can.

Interlocking Names. My friend Rudi helped invent this game, or at least he helped perfect it. The object is to think of two names that can be put together to make one long name. Steve Martin + Martin Luther = Steve Martin Luther. Pretty simple. The less the two names have to do with each other the better. Benedict Arnold Palmer and Isaiah Thomas Aquinas are good. Bruce Lee Bollinger and Woodrow Wilson Pickett are better.

The highest point totals are reserved for three or more names put together. The more names used, the greater the skill of the player. Charlie Parker Lewis Carol Burnett, for example.

What's My Line? This is a game to play with a friend again, but it can be played in either discussion or lecture, if you're daring.

The object of this game is to listen to someone finish a thought or a sentence, then add the logic or comical conclusion. P.J. O'Rourke used to play this game with the Jimmy Carter autobiography.

For example, the hump in the Polo outfit, tassel loafers with a briefcase opens his mouth: "Um, is this stuff gonna be, like, on the midterm."

Response: "Because if I have any non-LSAT related information in my brain, I might die."

Raver party girl disco biscuit: "I just think people need to be more aware of their own personal force field of life power energy. Mmm hmm. Totally. Phat beats."

Response: "I thought of that myself. I know you're a professor and all, but have you ever taken 'E'? It's killer. Can I leave? I forgot what class this is."

Professor: "This is one of the most important themes in the novel."

Response: "It's what I wrote my thesis on. I wipe my ass with student evaluations. Prepare to receive the Gospel!"

-James Miller can be reached over

e-mail at jamespm@umich.edu.

02-17-99