The cash just keeps on flowing in Ann Arbor

Let's face it, everyone: Here in Ann Arbor, the powers-that-be are killing us financially. And I am mad about it.

Mad, mad, mad.

Long ago, when I was a freshman, I would walk past Bivouac, Ulrich's or any other store that spits upon people of my caste, and I would ask myself, "Why do these businesses charge such high prices to students - a group of people with no jobs and no income?"

For a long time, this question perplexed me. But after years of deep thought, I now know why they charge so much. And I will tell you exactly why: Because they can.

Here's the reason:

We, as college students, are perhaps the most financially stupid segment of the American population. Newly independent, we amble through life without the wisdom of experience to guide us. Most of us have spent our entire lives coasting on the financial wings of our parents and are too naïve to know when we're being ripped off.

And besides, half of us bill everything to our parents, anyway, and don't care what anything costs. These are usually the same students who drive BMWs, Benzes and Lexuses.

Proprietors of businesses know this and that is why they set up shop in Ann Arbor. We are nothing more than meal tickets to them.

So, as a writer for a college newspaper, I feel it is my obligation - no, it is my duty - to protect the student body from this wanton disregard for our well being. That is why I have compiled a handy-dandy list below of all the people and places who are financial vultures.

Of course, this is not an exhaustive list; if you would like an exhaustive list, you must contact Ann Arbor Mayor Ingrid Sheldon directly and request a register of all businesses in the Ann Arbor area.

Student Housing - I am particularly hostile toward these people. This is because I have had to live in a central campus hovel while at this University. In fact, just yesterday, I turned on the faucet and the water was yellow. I did not choose this hovel voluntarily, but it was the least expensive hovel I could find. And I am not alone.

A note to the housing companies: If you wish to charge a lot, take heed: (a) exterminate (Unless they pay rent, insects are not welcome in students' homes), (b) despite what you may think, rotting trash does not add to the décor of our halls.

The people who decide on tuition - Last I heard, Michigan was the most expensive public school in the entire country. (The University Board of Regents have something to be proud of.) As an in-state student, I had never really thought too much about the expense, but then one of my out-of-state friends told me how much he paid in tuition.

All I have to say is: "Sucks to be you!"

Steve and Barry - Now, I know what you're saying: "Steve and Barry are on our side. We buy one T-shirt, and they give us five more absolutely free." True.

But when you consider that the chained-up 12-year-old Honduran girls that sew T-shirts in the basement of Steve and Barry's make only pennies, it's pretty evident that they're milking you, too. Sorry.

Party stores - In short, Ann Arbor party stores are, well, um, unique. Where else can yoolitan city. People who live in Ann Arbor must pay $3.50 for a swallow of coffee; we must fork over $1.10 for a vending machine Coke; and we must pay $49.99 plus tax for a pair of Bivouac socks. Meanwhile, people in Ypsi-tucky can buy all of these things and still have enough left over to buy a new pair of cowboy boots.

Let's face it, everyone: Here in Ann Arbor, the powers-that-be are killing us financially. And I am mad about it.

Mad, mad, mad.

Long ago, when I was a freshman, I would walk past Bivouac, Ulrich's or any other store that spits upon people of my caste, and I would ask myself, "Why do these businesses charge such high prices to students - a group of people with no jobs and no income?"

For a long time, this question perplexed me. But after years of deep thought, I now know why they charge so much. And I will tell you exactly why: Because they can.

Here's the reason:

We, as college students, are perhaps the most financially stupid segment of the American population. Newly independent, we amble through life without the wisdom of experience to guide us. Most of us have spent our entire lives coasting on the financial wings of our parents and are too naïve to know when we're being ripped off.

And besides, half of us bill everything to our parents, anyway, and don't care what anything costs. These are usually the same students who drive BMWs, Benzes and Lexuses.

Proprietors of businesses know this and that is why they set up shop in Ann Arbor. We are nothing more than meal tickets to them.

So, as a writer for a college newspaper, I feel it is my obligation - no, it is my duty - to protect the student body from this wanton disregard for our well being. That is why I have compiled a handy-dandy list below of all the people and places who are financial vultures.

Of course, this is not an exhaustive list; if you would like an exhaustive list, you must contact Ann Arbor Mayor Ingrid Sheldon directly and request a register of all businesses in the Ann Arbor area.

Student Housing - I am particularly hostile toward these people. This is because I have had to live in a central campus hovel while at this University. In fact, just yesterday, I turned on the faucet and the water was yellow. I did not choose this hovel voluntarily, but it was the least expensive hovel I could find. And I am not alone.

A note to the housing companies: If you wish to charge a lot, take heed: (a) exterminate (Unless they pay rent, insects are not welcome in students' homes), (b) despite what you may think, rotting trash does not add to the décor of our halls.

The people who decide on tuition - Last I heard, Michigan was the most expensive public school in the entire country. (The University Board of Regents have something to be proud of.) As an in-state student, I had never really thought too much about the expense, but then one of my out-of-state friends told me how much he paid in tuition.

All I have to say is: "Sucks to be you!"

Steve and Barry - Now, I know what you're saying: "Steve and Barry are on our side. We buy one T-shirt, and they give us five more absolutely free." True.

But when you consider that the chained-up 12-year-old Honduran girls that sew T-shirts in the basement of Steve and Barry's make only pennies, it's pretty evident that they're milking you, too. Sorry.

Party stores - In short, Ann Arbor party stores are, well, um, unique. Where else can you pick up a slice of pizza, get a box of candy, do your laundry, activate your cell phone/pager and get the latest copy of "Big-Uns" all in one trip? And all while you are shopping, you can get your groove on to the latest Puff Daddy hit steaming out of the ghetto blaster.

But all the convenience and, um, ambiance comes at a price. The guys that run these places are taking home huge checks. And the employees at Village Corner are able to use all the profits to pay for tattoos and nipple rings.

Ulrich's - If you are reading this, Mr. Ulrich, I hope that you are enjoying

Scott Hunter Roll through the Soul

02-22-99