Forget the traditional Grammy's, this is the real thing

Each year these sorts of music awards shows give us an opportunity to see what distinguished critics -people supposedly much more discerning than all of us - consider high-quality tunes. But truthfully, all of these awards shows have very little value in my eyes. Often the judges for these events ignore the truly talented acts in favor of the more politically favorable choices. In addition, the awards don't seem to stay in step with the continuing evolution of the 1990s music scene. There are many people who play important roles in contemporary music but who are nevertheless ignored and neglected by selection committees. And with 1998 being one of the worst years for music since, well - 1997, there is a true need to revamp the awards shows to recognize contemporary acts for what they really are.

Scott Hunter Roll through the soul

That is why, for all you people out there who long to see justice served, I have developed a handy-dandy supplement to the Grammy Awards, one that really sizes up the contributions of our favorite acts of 1998. These are the awards that should be passed out.

n Most Shameless Abuse of Sampling In A Rap Song - Will Smith for "Just The Two Of Us." In an upsetting defeat, Smith snatched this award from the hands of powerhouse Sean "Puffy" Combs. Ever since he dropped DJ Jazzy Jeff like a lead weight, the boy's been sampling up a storm: Sister Sledge, the Whispers, Patrice Rushen - no one's safe. And for this, the talented star of television, film and vinyl takes home another award. In all honesty, though, who can blame Will for all his sampling? Hell, for $10 million in record sales, I would become the next Puff Daddy.

n Best Use Of Swooping Cleavage To Boost A Musical Career - Janet Jackson. Anyone who has followed Janet's career will note the important role that sex has played in her success. The thoroughly talented performer has used it to supplement her mass appeal, flashing body parts on magazine covers and in music videos. This year, Janet was even able to beat out heavyweights Foxy Brown, Lil' Kim and Toni Braxton with her captivating use of cleavage. Janet dedicates this award to her talented team of surgeons.

n Best New Kids On The Block Facsimilie - The Backstreet Boys. It was pure déjá vu this year when these guys tore up the charts. Their mere existence conjures up dusty memories of mousse-laden suburban girls darting around malls in 1987, looking for copies of "Step By Step." (Just a side note: You might also recognize the Backstreet Boys by their other name, N' Sync)

n Most Overplayed Song, Female - Celine Dion for "My Heart Will Go On." Who can deny Celine this award? In the tradition of previous winners like the "Macarena," this song was in your face at every turn.

No one was ever safe. If only Celine would use her powers for good instead of evil.

n Best Supporting Tramp In A Rap Video - Mariah Carey for "Sweetheart." Rap videos have always been notorious for their gratuitous exposure of female flesh, and this year was no exception.

Typically, this award goes to a young, unknown, aspiring trollop, but Carey blew the competition away this year with her performance in JD's "Sweetheart."

Wearing a couple of strategically placed rubber bands and frolicking with a cat in one of the most subliminally suggestive video scenes this year, her performance was nothing less than spectacular.

And, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for:

n The Recipient of the 1999 MC Hammer Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Ruining of Popular Music - The Spice Girls. Though they fell apart this year because of "artistic differences," they have left an indelible impression on contemporary music. But then again, how much can you expect people to accomplish in 15 minutes?

There you have it: The true movers and shakers in the 1998 music scene.

These are the people who academies won't recognize for their great contributions to contemporary music.

So when the final list of winners is ceremoniously announced this year, tack this list onto the end and you'll have a true picture of the year on record - from a true expert.

Now excuse me while I dig out that '80s Dance Party CD - Kool & the Gang. Gotta love Kool & the Gang.

- Scott Hunter can be reached over e-mail at sehunter@umich.edu

01-11-99