o The media frenzy and "politics of personal destruction" surrounding the Clinton impeachment debacle, long more damaging to Republicans than it is to Democrats, will force the resignation of several more top Republican officials a la Bob Livingston for letting their "little friends" run afoul.
After a great deal of further discussion about "the motion in Bill Clinton's ocean," the president will either be acquited or have the charges before the Senate dismissed.
o Bill Gates will give up on computers, software and Gestapo trade practices and go into the dessert industry, figuring he can get people to throw all the pies he needs at him, mark them up and sell them on.
o Kenneth Starr will be seen outside of Union Station in Washington, D.C., bottle of Wild Irish Rose in hand, wearing a T-shirt that says, "I obsessed about the president's hyperactive sexuality disorder for a whole year and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!" No word on the contents of stains present on the shirt.
o Chief Justice William Rehnquist will resign from the Supreme Court after the completion of the 1998-99 term to perform "The Pirates of Penzance" on Broadway. Refusing to wear a normal costume, he will walk on stage singing, "I am the major model of a modern major general. I have information vegetable, animal and mineral ..." wearing his judicial robe with the special "decals" on his shoulders.
o Hillary Clinton will write a new edition of her 1995 book titled "It Takes a Village to Keep My Husband's Pants On."
o Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-S.C.) will try to write a book, only to find that he can't stay awake long enough to write a whole sentence.
o Producers, directors and writers will finally realize that Leonardo DiCaprio has less talent than Kate Winslet's breasts. Teen People, Seventeen, YM and Tiger Beat magazines will all put him in the "not" column of "What's hot/What's not," British royalty will stop making references to him in interviews, and Woody Allen will direct his attention back to younger people of the opposite sex.
In an attempt to ressurect his career, DiCaprio will coax a talkshow out of FOX and his first guest on its debut will be Arsenio Hall, followed by a still-bald Billy Zane. The show will last three weeks and shortly thereafter, DiCaprio will announce the release of his new album, "I'm the King of the World."
o Elizabeth Taylor will get married, again.
o Some celebrity desperately seeking a publicity boost will come forward with the revelation that he or she has some relatively obscure disease or disability. Despite the fact that thousands or perhaps millions of other normal people suffer from the same affliction on a daily basis, some stupid shit will go on television and talk about how said celebrity's coming into the open was brave and has done wonders for the like-afflicted everywhere. There will be TV Guide and People Magazine covers and maybe even a "Barbara Walters Interview."
o Calista Flockhart, better known as the television character Ally McBeal, will lose more weight, to the point that she will become translucent.
o Mr. Pib will make a comeback, only to be cited as a symbol of oppression by campus feminists insisting that it's Mountain Dew or nothing at all.
o RC Prof. Carl Cohen will buy Viacom International Inc., the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, and The Michigan Daily. By the turn of the millenium, his list of accolades will have expanded to include Oscars for Best Actor and Best Original Screenplay, an MTV Video Vanguard Award as well as a nod for Video of the Year, a VH1 Fashion Award for Best Mensware Designer, much to Helmut Lang's despair, and recognition as the "Best Wings in Ann Arbor" in the annual Best of Ann Arbor edition of Weekend, Etc. In addition, "Pop-Up Video" will do a week-long special edition covering Cohen's most popular lectures of all time.
o Some all-but-benign political issue will excite the never-settled nerves of the University's activist corps. Think of something in a "by any means necessary" mantra to chants and the beat of drums and perhaps a verse or two of "If I Had a Hammer."
o The building housing the University's chapter of the Phi Delta Theta fraternity will mysteriously burn to the ground, soon to be replaced by a faculty parking lot.
- Jack Schillaci can be reached over e-mail at jschilla@umich.edu
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Jack Schillaci Slam it to the Left |
01-12-99
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