Judge not, lest ye be judged

We look back on past witch hunts and wag our wiser heads over the barbarities performed in the name of God, nationalism or justice, lamenting the limited perceptions of past peoples. And we sigh sadly over our inability to change past occurrences, to alter or to rearrange events such that certain calamities would be avoided; we sigh, and are elated by the sense of superiority that comes with a higher ethical rank.

Andrew Mortensen Big Ideas (Don't Get Any)

Hold a moment, my friends. Witch hunts are not a remote idea from the glossy pages of high school history books. While we stride like moral giants from day to day, a deformed sort of hateful sentiment has sprung up inexplicably from the social ooze on this very campus. As I feared, this distorted attitude has bred blind prejudice; and worse still, has led to the persecution of a blameless people.

I do not speak of race in particular - in fact this people is the model of diversity, containing within it persons from all worldly races and cultures. And yet I cannot pretend that this group is not somehow a race unto itself.

Indeed, it is this very quality of unfamiliarity that has helped feed the advocates of the present university-wide witch hunt. Small-minded students, wrapped carefully in the stupor of academia, come across these alien characters, and at once designate this people contemptible.

As I've no desire to stir up more antipathy against myself, I will oblige you: this people is comprised solely of varsity athletes at the University.

You laugh, but the truth of the matter, is that college athletes in this city are an oppressed group. Continually they are forced to disdain classwork and travel - at the expense of the university, no less - all over the country in order to participate in activities with the sole purpose of claiming greater esteem for our prized institution of higher learning.

What really inspired this selfless defense of athletes and their misunderstood culture, is a few overblown incidents that took place on the property of one of our hallowed fraternity estates. Varied sensationalistic reports would have you suppose that the athletes involved in the altercation maliciously destroyed property and pilfered numerous items of value from the philanthropic society of brotherhood. But, truth be told, this is only part of the story.

The accounts in the newspapers, neglect several crucial details which, when brought to light, not only acquit the accused athletes but reveal their actions to be as fundamentally noble and unimpeachable as Bill Clinton's conduct with Monica Lewinsky.

Let us leap right into the muck and tackle the distasteful episode involving the television. According to media reports, one athlete spitefully deposited a television out of a third-story window. I'll make no effort to avoid this fact: as near as I'm able to make out, a television was indeed heaved from said window by said athlete. (Note: The evidence I present in this column is either a) entirely fictitious, or b) entirely speculative. I therefore invite you to share my opinion without regard for aggravating elements of truth.)

But to latch on to this fact is to miss the forest for the trees.

What the selective depictions in the papers omit is that the television in question was aflame and endangering the very structure of the fraternity itself. It was only by virtue and consequent deed of the athlete that the blessed house of iniquity was saved from the scourge of fire. With no thought for his own safety, he threw himself upon the television, wrestled it to the ground, and having gained mastery over it, hurled it from the window to shatter harmlessly on the ground below.

Next we come to the athlete's alleged attempt at theft. This I dismiss as mere melodrama on the part of the witnesses, nothing more than contrived evidence of malice. Let's not deny it: on the night in question beer flowed freely. Who can say just how altered the perceptions of the witnesses were? (Allow me: in addition to beer, there was probably a heavy intake of beer, not to mention subtle use of beer, and the occasional glass of beer. We know nothing regarding the alleged hefty output of vomit.) Hence the comprehension of the witnesses is suspect, and claims of PlayStations appearing magically from the athlete's coat are likely extant only in the minds the intoxicated revelers.

And yet this athlete along with a pair of his comrades were firmly punished for their involvement in the altercation. Had they not been athletes, they might only have been arrested, like you and me. But being an athlete means adhering to a stricter set of rules, as you might well imagine; and even the slightest hint of wrongdoing is enough to call down the clumsy hand of the law.

- Andrew Mortensen may be reached via e-mail. Possibly. admorten@umich.edu

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