'Lake' Rancid

If last year was the summer of the rock (meaning the big bad burning rocks of "Deep Impact" and "Armageddon"), this must be the summer of the ... the summer of the ... the summer of the anti-rock! Those creative little weasels over in Hollywood have had an entire year to plot for this summer's blockbuster tandem. So far all we've seen are a bunch of crafty little, uh, little people ("South Park," "Big Daddy," "Austin Powers 2"). What gives?

La la land has been holding out and holding their big blockbuster plan hostage. It is indeed the anti-rock: Water. In a few short weeks, mad killer smart sharks will make us all run for cover in "Deep Blue Sea." But this week, to whet our appetites for the fluid carnage to come, we've got something even better: Killer giant crocodiles.

Yes, you read that right. No, I'm not making this up.

"Lake Placid," the first big screen script written by television golden boy David E. Kelley since he hit the big time with "Ally McBeal," is the heartwarming horror comedy tale of a girl and her croc. Bridget Fonda, Kelley's first choice for the role of Ally that went to Calista Flockhart, plays inexplicably named paleontologist Kelly Scott as an Ally clone, or perhaps bastard stepchild, given to fits of whiny tantrums and cooing flirtation. Based in New York, she is inexplicably (remember that word, because you're going to see it a lot) sent to backwoods Maine to examine a tooth found in the flesh of a man who had the unfortunate luck to be a croc snack.

Once there, Kelly makes fun of bumbling sheriff Hank Keogh (Brendan Gleeson, the lone bright spot in this deep blue pond) and the slightly more competent fish and wildlife warden Jack Wells (Bill Pullman). Then, inexplicably, she refuses to go back to the city, presumably because it would cause both she and everyone else involved to be much happier. Instead, she joins the men and their deputies out by the offending lake, trying to discover what it is that's chowing down on divers. A brief, inexplicable moment of stupidity leads them to the lakefront farm of Mrs. Bickerman (Betty White), who spouts off such gems as, "This is where, if I had a dick, I'd tell you to suck it." Apparently her golden mouth disappeared with her series, "Golden Girls."

Inexplicably, Mrs. Bickerman also has been feeding the big bad croc and hiding his existence from the general public. Inexplicably, deputies get mauled and eaten in their futile attempts to kill the reptile. Inexplicably, Kelly and eccentric croc worshiper Hector Cyr (Oliver Platt, to whom no words in the English language can do justice) beg the lawmen to let the beast live, because we all know that even though he's been eating humans like they were Snausages, he's really not such a bad sort.

Inexplicably, the beleaguered cast must have been under the impression that comedy was their forte. For some of them, it is; just not in this particular film.

There isn't much more to "Lake Placid" than that. There's the obligatory-yet-inexplicable love story between Kelly and Jack, plus the obligatory-yet-inexplicable arrival at understanding and tolerance between Kelly and Hank. In the end, this inexplicably tedious romp (clocking in at barely 80 minutes) offers more snores than screams, and the only horror is the idea that some of these people actually wanted to make this movie. It probably would have played better as an episode of "Ally McBeal," and there's no doubt it will eventually end up as a cult rental on the small screen. Too bad nobody told David E. Kelly that before they wasted their $23.99 on publicity.

07-19-99