Next NCAA varsity sport: Dodgeball

And in a matter of minutes, Madison rediscovers just how much fun dodgeball can be.

"That's it!" he yells. "You're all in big, big trouble."

Madison, played by actor Adam Sandler, hurls the red ball around the playground, knocking out his classmates one at a time.

Josh

For a day, he was the dodgeball king.

Dodgeball is the leveler, the all-telling final test of childhood. Do you simply try to elude the spheroid, fighting for your life just to stay in the game? Or do you take the aggressive approach, going for the catch, trying to eliminate your opponent?

The true dodgeballer always goes for the kill. Those are the athletes Michigan should recruit for its first varsity dodgeball team.

No, dodgeball isn't a varsity sport yet, but it should be.

Dodgeball is a true test of athleticism. It takes natural instinct and agility to avoid the oncoming ball. It takes strength and accuracy to make the good throw to eliminate your competitor. And it takes great hand-eye coordination to catch the ball and avoid elimination. Is there anything more humiliating than going for the catch and having the ball pop off your chest?

But at the same time, it doesn't take amazing, natural-born talent. Anyone with time on their hands can hone their dodgeball skills. You don't need to have a five-foot vertical leap. You don't need sprinter's speed or a shortstop's reactions. Performance-enhancing drugs don't help, despite the Great Dodgeball Scandal of 1989.

Everybody can relate to the dodgeballer, because everyone has been one. Which of you, gentle readers, have not played a game or two during your lunch break, at camp or after school?

It'll even please the administrators in Tom Goss' office. It's extremely cost-efficient. Clear out the Yost parking lot, buy a red kickball and you got yourself a game. No expensive equipment, no worries about ice time.

Dodgeball can make history. There has never been a coed Division I varsity sport. Dodgeball can be the first, eliminating any Title IX concerns.

We've all seen the beauty of a close, hard-fought dodgeball game. But we've never seen it at its best.

Close your eyes and picture this: It's April, 2001, and Michigan is playing Florida in the finals of the first-ever NCAA Dodgeball Tournament. Ten finely tuned athletes on each side of a white line, running, jumping and diving to and from loose balls. No, these aren't your every day recess dodgeballers; these are chiseled, well-trained experts.

A Michigan man pulls a midair split to avoid an oncoming ball.

A Florida woman dives on the ground, scrapes her legs below her knee-pads and grabs the ball just before it hits the ground to eliminate a Michigan man.

A Michigan woman pulls off a perfectly timed surprise lob, nailing an unsuspecting Florida dodgeballer in the back row who didn't see the trick play coming, a beautiful play on a gutsy coaching decision.

Dodgeball at its finest.

I can see the critics already - dodgeball is a children's game. It doesn't take skill or strategy, it shouldn't be played by adults.

If you think that, get a group of friends together and go outside and play a game. The weather's unseasonably warm for November, so get the game in while you have a chance. You won't regret it.

In the meantime, I'm going to send out a recruiting letter to Billy Madison. And maybe that O'Doyle kid, too.

- Josh Kleinbaum can be reached via e-mail at jkbaum@umich.edu He'll probably be outside playing dodgeball with Dan Williams, but he'll get back to you when he's done.

Apocalypse Now

Kleinbaum

11-11-99