Ya Feel Lucky, Punk? Then Pass the Freakin' Turkey

In case you didn't notice, we here at the Weekend section took some time off last week so that the men's basketball team could be sufficiently hyped.

But I didn't fret, because I realized that anyone looking for some Thursday laughs in the form of my little column would probably be far more amused with the state of the hoops program.

Speaking of taking time off, it just occurred to me that there won't be a column next week, either, because the University will be grinding to a halt on Wednesday evening so that all of us can rush home and pay homage to that tastiest of deities, the Holy Turkey of Thanksgiving.

So before we disperse, I couldn't pass up this opportunity to talk about what we as students should be giving thanks for next week. Like Squanto did for the Pilgrims, I now offer up to you a cornucopia of good times smothered in the cranberry sauce of humor.

n Kinesiology students: I wanna give thanks for Desmond Howard, Charles Woodson, Glen Rice and Chris Webber - the men who made up my decision to attend Michigan. And I definitely want to thank Nike, Puma and Adidas for dressing me every day.

n English majors: Throughout the course of this holiday, I will attempt to give thanks to my parents for funding four years worth of thesis statements, thus financially empowering me to gain an intricately designed liberal arts education yet an absolute lack of job prospects.

n Engineering majors: Yo, I just want to give a shout out to my boyz at Texas Instruments fo' keepin' it real in the world of personal graphical interfaces. And I gots ta' give mad props to my dawg Bill Gates and the Microsoft crew - all y'all playa hatas best recognize the crazy practical advantages of a phat Windows-based operating system, yo!

n Theatre majors: I would like to accept this award on behalf of the Academy, my agents at Talent International, my divine castmates - Ben Affleck, darling, you're a lifesaver - and, of course, my father, my mother and her new husband.

n Music performance majors: I'd like to thank the kind soul who slid the plate of turkey underneath my practice room door. Sometimes, when I get into the fourth movement of a new piece, I lose track of the month.

n Philosophy majors: Ah, but to whom are we giving thanks? And what is our motivation for doing so?

n Business majors: I'd like to thank the dollar, the yen, the deutchmark and the pound for making my life so deeply fulfilling.

n Law school students: I will freaking nail your ass to the wall. Do you understand me? I will haul you into that court and chew you up until there is nothing left but a small pile of spittle. No, Mom, stay out of it: This is between me and Grandma.

n Political science majors: To the best of my recollection, my staff members and I have conferred and we have decided I will give thanks for the good fortune in my life and, depending on the public's reaction, will hope for continued prosperity.

n RC students: I give thanks for the opportunity to live and grow in an accepting, nurturing academic environment. That and studded dog collars.

n Anthropology majors: Rather than make a biased statement, I would like to study an isolated tribe of Pygmies in the African jungles in order to determine the root foundation of what we consider "giving thanks."

n Art and design majors: I believe our turkey should exist solely in the paradigm of turkey, without the burden of any implicit meaning to oppress it.

n Architecture majors: I want to give thanks for load-bearing walls - sweet, luscious load-bearing walls.

n Religion majors: I would like to thank George Burns for the "Oh God, You Devil" movies.

n Sociology majors: I'd like to give thanks to my family, for family is the basic building block of all society.

n Psychology majors: But when you say you'd like to give thanks for your family, what you really mean is that you'd like to murder your father and then have sexual relations with your mother. It's all very simple, you see.

n Film and video studies majors: Master thespian Jon Voight. His performance in "Anaconda"? One word: Brilliant.

n Physics majors: Wanna see something really neat? If you increase the air pressure of the oven to greater than the air pressure inside the turkey, it will implode upon itself! Oh God, I'm never going to get married, am I?

n SNRE students: Patchouli and Frisbees, dude, patchouli and Frisbees.

n Daily staffers: I'd like to give thanks for this cool clubhouse that we get to play journalism in. I love playing journalist. Hey, I call editor-in-chief, I got dibs!

-Chris Kula can be reached at ckula@umich.edu, or via his new satirical website, the MichigOnion (www.michigonion.n3.net). He is thankful for cheesy bacon Tato Skins and four-month anniversaries.

Chris KulaUnsung Ann Arbor

11-18-99