Breaking All the Rules

The book is written (terribly, I might add), by happily married Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider for women who are looking to get married. The funny thing is, women of all ages are reading it and swearing by it, claiming that these rules work miracles. Do I find it scary that a book found in the self-help section has attracted so much attention? Yes.

The basic gist is this: Play hard to get. But it is not nearly as vague. "Rules" girls must wait days before returning calls, end these calls after after 10 minutes, refuse a Saturday date if asked after Wednesday, be mysterious and ladylike rather than funny (men don't like sarcasm!) and, my favorite, wear your hair long only. This is not the extent of it. No, no. There are exactly 35 rules in this book and, as if that wasn't enough, a whole other book called "The Rules II."

Chapter by chapter, the authors elaborate on each rule. They recount false stories of Melanies and Bettys, some "Rules" girls, some not. (The "Rules" girls, of course, always get their man while the "Rules" breakers end up desolate and alone.) Despite this bad writing and utter stupidity of content, many women take "The Rules" very seriously, adapting the mantra to their dating lives.

Of course, many don't. Feminists and self-respecting women in general, whom the authors call "modern, career-oriented women who have been MBA-trained to 'make things happen'" (suggesting that's a bad thing) find the stifling rules offensive to women. There is an undertone of sexism running throughout these rules. For instance, the authors recommend reading the newspaper and books because "men want wives who can fulfill them mentally as well as physically and emotionally." God forbid a woman may want to read for other reasons.

Most men haven't heard of the book. I suppose "Rules" girls want to keep the origin of their mysteriousness a mystery. One man who was familiar with the book called it "intensely disturbing." I'm sure most men would share this sentiment after finding out they are being toyed with by the women they are dating in such a methodical fashion. Some guys went so far as to write a rebuttal in their defense. It is a parody of "The Rules," poking fun at the book's brainless authors and husband-hungry audience.

Based on this, one might assume that if men had a similar dogma of rules about dating, women would be just as dismayed. On the contrary. Ever seen "Swingers"? It has just about an equal cult following, arguably more outrageous claims, rampant sexism, and everyone loves it. I love it. The difference between the two is the presence of subtle sarcasm in "Swingers" that is tragically lacking in "The Rules."

Sarcasm intended or not, some men actually take this movie literally. Men who, like "Rules" girls, have only one thing in mind. As you may have already guessed, it's not marriage. These guys act like "the guys in the rated-R movie rather than the PG-13 movie." They do not under any circumstances act sensitive, they wait six days to call a girl, they get digits regardless of whether they intend on calling, they prefer beach girls to valley girls (for those of you who missed the 310/818 area code implications), and they go to great lengths - taking separate cars or going to Vegas - for their foremost and all-important goal: To get laid.

Ironically, the religious followers of either petty paradigm are doomed. For one thing, the two together could never work because their rules conflict. If she can't accept a date after Wednesday, and he can't call until Thursday, it's pretty clear how long that will last. If he's looking for instant gratification, and she has to wait at least a month, they're both screwed. Well, neither are. At this rate, the anti-dating phenomenon of Ann Arbor may spread to the rest of the rule-abiding, swingin' country.

And sadly, as the final scene of the movie predicts, the swinger ultimately finds himself making baby faces across a room to a woman that's not even looking, with only an exorbitant supply of digits and condoms to comfort him. Money, baby.

The "Rules"-abiding girl will get her man. And Mr. Right will appreciate his little wife for all of the things that she took special care to emphasize: Long hair, lack of sarcasm and laughter that sounds tinkly like the toasting of champagne glasses and not raucous like the breaking of plates. The "Rules" girl will be happy for a time. She has, after all, played by the rules and won the biggest game of all. But won't a tiny voice inside of her speak up once in awhile, protesting the loss of her former, "undesirable" qualities and, well, personality? What if that voice starts screaming?

In the real world, there are no rules for dating. Each person, each situation is different, and you simply feel each other out. If neither of the two goes into it with a specific end in mind, this is the fun part.

Mikey, the altruist in "Swingers," is exasperated by the intricate dating dos and don'ts that his player friends have imposed on him. He breaks all these rules because of his downfall: Sensitivity. Yet he is the one that gets Heather Graham in the end. And she, judging by her afternoon call the next day, has not read "The Rules."

- Through some cosmic prank, Daily Books Editor Gina Hamadey has not had a date recently. If you can remedy this bewildering situation, e-mail her at ghamadey@umich.edu. Nice guys need not apply.

Gina HamadeyState of the Arts

11-18-99