Rule No. 1 for success: Never say what you really mean

Now, I'm sure many of you are wondering, "Scott, just what makes this 'diplomacy' thing so doggoned important? After all, you never use it." Well, despite my occasional lapses, diplomacy is important and I will tell you exactly why.

Every day, we must express our thoughts and opinions on a variety of topics - from our friends' appearances to the competence of our MSA candidates. And these opinions are not always favorable.

But our success in life invariably depends on securing the approval of as many people as possible. If people like you, they will surely go out of their way to help you by writing recommendations, giving promotions or letting you write a column. If t

Scott Hunter Roll through the Soul

hey don't like you, then they will merely spit on you when you request a favor. Therefore, it is important that anyone hoping to achieve any success be able to express him or herself without arousing hostility.

Though you are probably unaware of it, we as students are forced to engage in cunning acts of diplomacy every day. This is because we often find ourselves at the mercy of GSIs, professors and other people who can ruin our academic careers on a whim ("Give that one a 'D.' He irritates me."). Accordingly, there is a right and a wrong way to express ourselves.

Wrong: "Look, you crackhead, if you don't give me an 'A,' I'm gonna kick your butt right here in the East Hall!"

Right: "Professor, could we possibly meet at office hours to discuss my progress in your class?" But don't think that the need for tact only exists here in the academic world.

It is a little known fact that everyone in this country - including public figures - uses the skill every single day, often saying things that they don't quite mean to avoid eliciting ill will. This becomes very apparent just by reading your run-of-the-mill newspaper. Here are some of my favorites:

She said: "The bottom line is money. It would be futile to continue." Former presidential hopeful Elizabeth Dole speaking in October on her decision to drop out of the presidential race.

She meant: "Bob's Viagra budget is eating up all my campaign money. That stuff's expensive nowadays."

He said: "The frequency and the way the (prayer) was made did not indicate that he was using it as a part of everyday speech." Senior U.S. law-enforcement official, expressing concern over a prayer made by EgyptAir 990 co-pilot.

He meant: "I mean, come on. If he were Christian or Anglo, that'd be one thing. But he was Muslim, for Chrissake. What more evidence do we need?

He said: "Sure, there's disagreement over the speech. But ultimately, I think I'll be measured by how I have effectively accomplished a number of important objectives that I think are significant to the black leadership of the community." South Carolina governor Jim Hodges responding to criticism of his speech in support of allowing the Confederate flag to fly over the state house.

He meant: "Damn that Abraham Lincoln!"

He said: "If I believed in polls, I wouldn't be the governor of Minnesota." Jesse Ventura, disregarding the results of a poll that shows his approval rating tumbling after his comments to Playboy on religion.

He meant: "I don't have to care what people think. I'm the governor, dammit! Of course, I hear Hulk Hogan might be running in the next election."

He said: "America understands that a guy doesn't know the name of every single foreign leader. That's not how Americans are making their choices on about who's going to be the president," Texas governor George W. Bush in an ABC television interview.

He meant: "Americans will vote for me because I'm gonna buy this entire race."

She said: "I haven't really talked to him about that." Hillary Clinton, on whether her husband will live in their recently purchased New York residence.

She meant: "Don't count on it: Once I am elected mayor, I'm gonna drop Bill faster than NBC dropped Marv Albert."

- Scott Hunter can be reached via e-mail at sehunter@umich.edu.

11-29-99