The next great holiday: Man Day 1999

It's bad enough that we've bastardized the real holidays for the sake of commercial gain, we don't really need to invent another "buy-it-or-you-don't-love-me" day.

Sure, there are countless other offenders, from Halloween to Mardi Gras (although I do enjoy a good pre-Ash Wednesday sinfest as much as the next guy), but the fact that no one bothers to camouflage this sham of a "holiday" with even a pretense of authenticity, as well as the fact that they managed to schedule it on a Saturday during football season, really gets my goat.

Branden Sanz Dropping the Hammer

So here is what I propose, my disenfranchised brethren: Let's start our own holiday. Sure, I know it seems difficult, being as we already have Secretary's Day, Bastille Day and, of course, International Women's Day. But fear not, gentle reader, as I have discovered a holiday we do not have and, in fact, a holiday we badly need: Man Day.

That's right, I, Hammerhead, do hearby decree this Saturday, Oct. 16 to be the First Annual Man Day, to the triumph of testes everywhere.

It makes sense, if you think about it. October is a very manly month. First, it's right in the heart of football season. Football, the American pastime, that game of strength, speed, strategy and savage violence is the very quintessence of testosterone. Not a namby-pamby sport like baseball or basketball, where a simple combination of knowledge and dexterity will get you far - in football you have to be aggressive; to hit, to get hit, to enjoy hitting people. Football is the perfect man sport and October is the perfect month for it. (I know I'm going to get it from you hockey players, ruggers, and wrestlers here, and deservedly so, but sorry guys - I'm talking about major sports here).

The next thing about October that makes it so great is the myriad of opportunities the fall weather presents for dressing manly. Let's face it: during Winter and Spring it's almost impossible to look masculine because you're so damn bundled up against the snow and rain, respectively. Can you picture John Wayne with a big, puffy North Face jacket and knit cap? I thought not. Summer presents some interesting opportunities, ranging from the swashbuckler-esque silk shirt to one of my personal favorites, the ribbed, cotton tank-top (affectionately known as the "wife beater").

But for pure, nut-clanking badassedness, nothing beats Fall haberdashery. Jeans, flannel shirts, boots - all perfect for Fall weather - are the fashion embodiment on male virility. You want to throw on a cowboy hat and oilskin duster? No problem in October. What about the all-black leather pants and trench coat ensemble a la "The Matrix?" In any other season you would either look like a schoolyard killer or one of those "Magic: the Gathering" knuckleheads, but you can get away with it in the Fall.

Furthermore, the American male's diet was constructed with October in mind. You're still in shape from the Summer, but no more beach means no more need for that six-pack. It's time for steak, pizza, chili dogs and beer (the cornerstone of any manly diet) to your cholesterol-ridden heart's content. Speaking of beer, you don't think it's called Oktoberfest by coincidence do you? Yeah, I know 007 drinks martinis, and I'd be hard put to disagree with someone that told me Bombay Sapphire Gin was the greatest thing to come out of England before Elizabeth Hurley came along. But all the gin and all the martinis in the world combined don't contain half the manliness of one single bottle of Miller High Life.

The last, but by no means least, important reason that October is a perfect time for Man Day is the fact that hunting season starts in October. Aside from being ecologically vital (I won't go into that debate - today), hunting is perhaps the most spiritual of all masculine experiences. There is something amazingly empowering about putting your own dinner on the table, not to mention asserting your place in the food chain as the dominant, primordial beast that you are.

So this Saturday, you have a choice. You can give in to the masses, buy some roses and go out to dinner, but let me clear something up for you: if she doesn't already think you love her, this isn't going to convince her. Instead, give me a call. Let's go up North. We'll get dirty and smelly. We'll hunt. We'll watch football. We'll be men.

- Branden Sanz can be reached over

e-mail at hammerhead@umich.edu.

10-15-99