Selling your name - and soul - to the highest bidder

"Attaching my name to the medical library and school of architecture just wasn't enough," Taubman announced. "Now, as president and CEO of the Taubman University of Michigan/Outlet Mall, I can create the ultimate partnership between business and higher education. Why should I keep naming things after myself when I can't control them?"

Many changes are in store. The University/Outlet Mall's new slogan - "Higher Education, Lower Prices" - will replace the traditional seal found on all official campus documents.

Angell Hall will be converted into the world's largest Gap outlet store. A white banner with the slogan "Fall into the Gap" written in neon green letters will cover up James Angell's quote on the front of the building.

Jeffrey Kosseff Sweet New Style

Newly named Provost Lee Iacocca dismissed critics of the quote's removal, stating that "nobody even knows what it says, anyway."

In keeping with Michigan tradition, Mason Hall will be a Nike outlet store. Taubman will turn Haven Hall into a six-story food court. Once Taubman's management figures out where Tisch Hall is, they will sell it to Old Navy.

The University Libraries, Iacocca said, will serve as Amazon.com's Midwestern hub.

"We already have millions of books," Iacocca said. "We might as well make some use of them. Most of them haven't been read for months. That's not a good allocation of resources, now is it?"

Students won't be left out on this deal, Taubman said. For every $5,000 spent on tuition, they get a 10-percent-off coupon at the J.C. Penny's-Literature, Science and the Arts building.

"That 10 percent off is for all purchases up to $300," Taubman said. "Make sure to include that."

In the campus's most popular lectures, English and religion Prof. Ralph Williams and history Prof. Sidney Fine will wear sandwich boards advertising the 1800 Chem./Discount Flea Market.

Disney Hill Auditorium, Taubman said, will be a major revenue source. University alumna Madonna, the new dean of the Kid Rock School of Music, will be responsible for booking big-name acts.

This is the latest in a long series of gifts to the University during the past two years:

n The Dow Chemical School of Natural Resources and Environment performs vital research proving the benefits of industrial pollution.

n The Kaczynski School of Information, funded by a $100 million grant from the bestselling author and lifetime inmate, has sent shockwaves through the information science community. Professors are barred from using computers in their lessons. But the grant funded a generous supply of papyrus and abacuses.

n The Ed Martin Athletic Department stated its new focus - recruiting the best players by any means necessary. Most agree nothing has changed much with that department over the past decade.

n Business students now learn cutting edge sales strategies at the Amway Business School. Despite the popularity of recent courses, such as "Marketing 550: Brainwashing," the school plunged to No. 198 in BusinessWeek's annual rankings. The Ivan Boesky department of finance offers a solid curriculum of ethics and philosophy mixed in with economics and business classes.

n Too many businesses wanted to buy the College of Engineering, so they all did. The MicrosoftDelphiFordGMLearCompuwareDaimlerMCIBoeing College of Engineering, in lieu of final projects, uses its students as unpaid temporary workers in one of its parent companies during finals week.

n A $65 million donation from McDonald's prompted the change of one of the school's most famous symbols. University officials replaced the block M with the golden arches.

n Former state legislator David Jaye, now a successful motivational speaker, donated $5 million to his alma mater last year. The only travel opportunities offered by the Jaye Office of International Programs are trips to Holland - not the one in Europe, the one in Michigan.

"Students must learn core American values," Jaye said. "Why should they be taught by people who don't speak English?"

n Although 90 percent of its faculty recently quit, the Philip Morris Life Sciences Institute remains devoted to cutting-edge non-cancer research.

Michigan Stadium is the only campus building that does not have a sponsor.

"Come on," Taubman said. "Do you really think I'd taint a campus tradition? The alums would kill me."

- Jeffrey Kosseff can be reached over

e-mail at jkosseff@umich.edu.

10-21-99