A history of the world in 10 and a half crime notes

Generally, I only do such exploration when I'm over at a friend's house and said friend is in the bathroom. But since pressing matters that day were the equivalent of in the bathroom, I had a look around.

Now I know I have your curiosity piqued. You trust my investigative journalist's instincts. You're saying, "Dave, give me the dirt on the secrets you found. I want to know that the business staff sells ads at gunpoint. I want to know which three stories are made up everyday. I need to know how much to write the check for so the photos don't run."

Well, I don't have any of those answers. I spent hours without finding one opportunity for blackmail, so I'm dropping journalism and trying out with the CIA.

David Wallace Exile on Maynard St.

But enough of this: there is one interesting piece of information. The Daily is old. Not just the "one hundred eight years of editorial freedom" old. Really old. Forgotten-about old.

I was in the basement leaning against the wall reading some old Dailys when the bricks gave way beneath my shoulder. I fell into some long walled-up catacombs beneath the Student Publications Building. After tripping over Fortunato's remains, I discovered volume after volume of Dailys stretching back until they met time on the horizon. Looking through them, a lot changed over the eons. But I was shocked to see that one part of the paper has always been around: crime notes. What follows are some choice cuts.

n Thieving couple thrown out of garden

A naked man and woman were reported stealing fruit from a garden in which they were living at about 5 p.m. Friday afternoon. Department of Public Safety reports indicate the garden's Owner soon discovered the pair and escorted them from the premises. The Owner declined to press charges, saying he would handle the matter internally.

n Man dies at Greek-sponsored event

DPS officers responded to a call late yesterday evening that a 70-year-old philosophy instructor passed out after drinking a lethal amount of hemlock. Witnesses insisted the man, who previously had been convicted of corrupting youth and religious heresy, drank the hemlock intending to kill himself, despite the onlookers' attempts to dissuade him. The witnesses were questioned and released.

n Elephants loosed on countryside

A North African man led an army of men and elephants through the Roman countryside, sacking much of it. According to DPS reports, the man gained access through an open passageway in the Alps. Once inside, he cunningly outwitted attempts to stop him. DPS handed the investigation over to Roman authorities. The man remains at large.

n Teenage radical captured

A teenager instrumental in the restoration of the French crown was taken into custody yesterday. English allies turned the young woman over to DPS officers, reports say. She was charged with witchcraft, heresy and wearing men's clothes. DPS officials said she would be burned at the stake.

n Priest vandalizes church door

A priest in Wittenberg defaced a church door early Thursday with 95 criticisms of the church's practices. He was not immediately taken into custody. DPS officers on the scene did not expect the protest to have any lasting effects, and said the investigation should result in a run-of-the-mill excommunication.

n Rowdy Boston youths make 24 million cups of tea

DPS responded to a call Dec. 16 that about 150 men poorly disguised as Indians boarded three ships in Boston Harbor and dumped the East India Company's tea overboard. Alcohol may have been involved in the stunt as DPS reports say Sam Adams was found among the perpetrators.

n French celebrity found dead in bathtub

Jean Paul Marat, a leader of the revolution, was found dead early Friday in his bath. Artist Jacques Louis David was called in to document the crime scene. At this time, CPS has no leads.

n Mexicans resolve national debt

DPS is investigating a scuffle between local Mexicans and an army of French debt collectors. The investigation is progressing slowly, as DPS was informed days after the event happened and cannot yet nail down an exact date for what has come to be known as "Cinco de Mayo." French authorities promised this would be their last embarrassing defeat for the next 150 years.

n Iceberg flees scene of boating accident

DPS officers responded to a call shortly before midnight on Apr. 14 that an iceberg collided with a ship in the North Atlantic. The iceberg fled the scene following the accident and remains at large. DPS is said to be wading through three hours of material gathered on the incident.

n Republican denies wrongdoing

DPS officers are investigating a possible connection between a break-in at a Washington hotel and government officials. Witnesses reported seeing a large five o'clock shadow in the area. A report was filed.

And there we have it. I guess history is a long line of crimes that changed the world. Now here's a look at a crime note from the near future.

n Columnist flogged in Dennison

A 21-year-old was assaulted by an angry mob Tuesday evening. According to DPS reports, numerous history professors, Daily colleagues, friends of the writer and author Julian Barnes dealt the young man his comeuppance for insolence and impersonating a clever person.

- David Wallace can be reached over

e-mail at davidmw@umich.edu.

09-21-99