Football 101: Media Relations and the Art of Saying Nothing

For the past decade, the University has offered a class designed strictly for football players - and it's not even in the Division of Kinesiology.

No, this class meets behind closed doors, in the late hours of the evening. Not only does Michigan coach Lloyd Carr know about this exclusive class, but he fully endorses it.

For those of you that are now conjuring up some good, old-fashioned Ann Arbor angst over this injustice, allow me to help you fill out your protest signs.

Counter latack Andy Latack

The class is called 'Media Relations and the Art of Saying Nothing.'

Michigan is but one school that participates in this NCAA-mandated curriculum. Similar covert classes are taking place in Tennessee, Florida and California to name a few. The coursework is designed with one solitary goal in mind - teaching players the art of the cliché.

It is a rigorous program, and class participation is crucial. Consider this following session that took place at an unnamed university:

Instructor: Alright, Peter, pretend I'm a reporter. 'What was the key to your team's offensive production out there today?'

Peter: Me.

Instructor: Come again?

Peter: Well, I had 27 receptions for 982 yards. Most people couldn't put up those kind of numbers if they had a Playstation.

Instructor: I'm sorry, Peter. The correct answer is: "Well, we executed pretty well. And although one of their cornerbacks had no arms, he was a really tough defender. I was fortunate to get open and get a few catches ..."

And so it goes on every college campus in the country. Athletes are learning to sidestep questions as if they were would-be tacklers. In the world of sports, an athlete's cliché is his sword, slicing through postgame queries with reckless abandon.

A question catch you off guard? Throw an '110 percent' in there.

Don't want to further piss off the coach after he yanked you from the game? Mix in a 'positive attitude' with a 'my role on the team.' Stir gently.

This is standard procedure in today's world of sports. College athletes are mastering the art of throwing together a few sentences, complete with all the right buzzwords, and leaving a question as unanswered as it ever was. It is truly something to behold.

Actually, I can sympathize with college football players. Still young adults, they are under an unrelenting spotlight, knowing what they say will be heard and read by thousands.

So it's tough to think of insightful answers all the time.

When you're put on the spot, it's easier to say something people have been saying for years. Especially when the questions you're asked are about as profound as yogurt.

But at the very least, athletes should realize they can use the press as a marketing tool, rather than looking at it as an inconvenience.

For example, Wisconsin running back Ron Dayne, a front-runner for the Heisman Trophy, is a big story this season. But Dayne is extremely soft-spoken, as some people are given to be. When asked how he felt after losing to Michigan last season, Dayne muttered, "I don't remember." This is fine. Some people are just quieter than others.

But when Dayne does open his mouth, he spouts clichés. Consider this Dayne quotable: Ron, what do you guys have to do to beat Michigan? "We have to play hard and go out there and have some fun."

Ronald. People want to read about you. You're a great story. You could be the NCAA's leading rusher by the end of the season and you're definitely one of its biggest. But you're speaking as if you're being charged by the word.

If I were a Heisman hopeful, I would work the media like a congressman. I would take up hobbies just to keep the media interested in me.

I would show up to the press conference in a cardigan and say that I knitted it. I would spend time on State Street building model airplanes and hand them out to disadvantaged youth passing by. I would join bowling leagues.

I wouldn't even have to be good to make headlines. I could be the least-talented media darling in the history of sport.

But, as Dayne demonstrates, many athletes don't hold the public's interest. And I refuse to believe some of them are as dry as they come off at press conferences.

They're just following the age-old rules of the football cliché. A few basic guidelines:

1. Use 'hard-nosed' and 'unity' in the same sentence.

2. Be absurdly complimentary toward a team that you know you will blow out.

3. Try to convince the nation that you are not looking past Appalachian State to next week's game. Bonus: Name one player on Appalachian State. This will be a huge selling point.

4. Use 'one game at a time' whenever possible. Even in response to a question about the weather.

Maybe I'm being too harsh. After all, college is a place to learn. And most college players won't ever have to talk to the media again after they graduate.

But if they're good enough to make it to the NFL, that's where the real cliché-slinging starts. Consider it post-graduate work.

- Andy Latack just wanted to go out and give 110 percent in this column. He can be reached via e-mail at latack@umich.edu

09-23-99