Nice try, CBS, but I'll see you next March

Chris Duprey

Dupe's Scoop

Since the national championship game has concluded, I will now return to my normal habit of ignoring all CBS programming until March Madness 2001.

Sure, CBS tried to hook me. The network did its best, I have to give it that. The advertising nerds at "The Eye" thought they were pretty sly, slipping me "Falcone" promos every 10 seconds in an effort to showcase how badly a mob show is going to fail playing to a senior-citizen audience.

Even worse, after Verne Lundquist and Billy Packer finish reading off their cue sheets about CBS' latest failure, the cameraman finds the "star" of Falcone, sitting in his seat and enjoying the game.

This leads to fill-in ad-lib commentary by Lundquist and Packer, neither of whom have seen the show - neither of whom probably want to, either.

Way to go, CBS. I'm impressed. You really got all your big guns to come out this time.

CBS paid a pretty penny to retain the rights to broadcast the NCAA Tournament, a very wise move for a network that doesn't have much else to boast. But instead of selling high-priced commercial spots to the Big Three and other corporate giants, it wastes all its commercial time promoting its loser shows. The network loses twice.

The thing is, maybe I would take a glimpse at some of these new CBS television series if the network hadn't shoved them in my face so much these past three weeks. Perhaps, after the tournament frenzy had subsided, I would find "Falcone" to be a gripping, thrilling drama. Maybe, despite the odds, I'd become hooked on it.

Now I'll never get that chance. I made a pact with myself - I refuse to watch any CBS sitcom, whether it was one that was overhyped during the tournament or not. I'm penalizing the network for its behavior.

It's one thing to oversell commercials to National Car Rental and its bothersome rhythmic clapping "Let's Go!" ads. At least you're earning some money off that company. That's understandable.

But to shamelessly promote yourself by annoying the hell out of your only loyal viewing audience? You deserve everything you've got coming. You're worse than the office loudmouth who totes her son's Little League fundraiser order form around the office and asks if you "would like" to buy something.

It's not some secret that CBS is a second-class network. Back when Seinfeld was wrapping up its run, David Letterman said that the best way for the show's producers to keep the ending a secret was to "air it on CBS." There's some truth to that.

Still, CBS could rise above the cheap shots by wielding its power stick, the NCAA Tournament, with great care. I never notice outrageously frequent promos when CBS hosts NFL games on fall Sundays. Maybe those promos exist - they're just not the in-your-face kind that make you feel so used.

Someone has to hold CBS accountable. You MBA advertising twerps think commercials increase sales? Well, I'm going to teach you a lesson for once.

I don't have a Nielsen ratings box, a direct line to the president of the network or even 100 shares of CBS stock. So, technically, I have no power whatsoever. I do have this column, though, and I'll use it since I have to.

I call on all of you to join me in this boycott.

My hope is that, by the time the tournament rolls around next year, the star of "Falcone" will be back in his seat again, watching the Final Four. Only next year, he'll be buying his own ticket.

-Chris Duprey has taken himself out of the running for that vacated Director of Public Relations position at CBS. He can be reached at cduprey@umich.edu.