The SportsMonday column

T.J. Berka

Teeing Off

Berka divulges dirty secret in final hurrah

As I write for the last time, I have a secret to tell you all. The guilt which it has caused has been building up for the last four years, but is really eating me up now, on the eve of my last day at the Daily as a student.

That secret: I know nothing about sports.

For those of you who have read my columns and stories in the past year, that probably doesn't come as much of a shock. Look at my North Carolina article for God's sake.

But for those of you who are reading this schlock because you thought that the guy in the picture above is cute/handsome/studly, this may come as a surprise. But that was all part of the plan.

Don't get me wrong, the guy in that picture is really me. The sports editors of the Daily picked my picture because they thought that it would entice female students to pick up the Daily and do something other than the crossword puzzle.

I can't even write a two-paragraph e-mail without spelling errors, perhaps due to the constant supply of alcohol that I ingest on a daily basis. So I honestly can't take credit for the articles that have been placed under my headshot this year.

The person who you should thank is former Michigan State wide receiver Plaxico Burress. I'm not bullshitting at all here; Mr. Burress has been a trooper this year, driving an hour every Sunday from East Lansing to give his viewpoints on Michigan sports.

But Burress, for reasons unknown - I think he mentioned something about a couple 40-ounce bottles of Colt 45 and a SuperSoaker - was unable to come down to Ann Arbor and cover for me this weekend.

After much hair pulling by the sports editors, they decided to let me write this final column. And although I had set up a chess game with Mateen Cleaves, Roy Tarpley and Todd Howard, I canceled it to write this final piece.

A lot has gone on during my four years at Michigan in the sports world. I have seen three national championships, all of which were longshots the season that they happened.

I have seen a new basketball coach, a lot of new basketball players and a lot of old allegations during my time. I have even seen three athletic directors during my stay here, something that few Michigan students can claim.

I have seen Big Ten champions (men's and women's swimming and softball), surprise NCAA Tournament entries (men's golf and volleyball), and national powers with exciting years (hockey and football).

Luck followed me during my years at the Daily. While I never covered a national championship, every one of my beats have won more games/matches then they have lost.

During that time, the Daily has taken me on a whirlwind tour of the country, as I rocked South Beach on New Year's and walloped Worcester, Mass. covering hockey last year. I even pillaged the mid-section of our country while traveling to the Softball College World Series in Oklahoma City.

I now possess bleacher seats from the Metrodome, signs from the Carrier Dome and countless chairs from basketball arenas all over the country. And I have loved every minute of it.

Covering Michigan sports for the Daily was the coolest thing I have ever done. I joined the Daily immediately after I arrived on campus my freshman year and things have turned out better for me then I could have ever imagined.

But covering Michigan sports was only a minor reason why my four years at Michigan were the best of my life. I have learned a lot about myself, and others, that I couldn't have learned without the Daily.

I have made great friends during my four years here. I have worked with the oddest collection of personalities - The Daily is chock full of screwballs and crackers, including myself. They have taught me lots of things, like containing my sanity in an insane place, and have been the best friends a lazy, drunk ass like me could ever have.

I'd also like to thank the students for putting up with my column. As much as it was awkward for me when random people would approach me in the streets or at the bar, shouting my name or complimenting me, I really enjoyed it.

I even liked the few people - the 300 or so Michigan State fans who have called for my head this year because, simply, they are stupid Spartans (just kidding) - that have e-mailed me telling me that I am a) a female b) gay c) a roody-poo candy ass d) a no-talent bastard.

As I write my last paragraph ever in the Daily, I have no clue what will happen next. I don't know if I'll be writing, bartending or living in the streets. But no matter what I do, I'll make sure to drink to all my friends, my family and fans along the way.

- T.J. Berka thanks you for reading his column and, hopefully, thanks you for enjoying it. If you still want to talk sports with him, visit him at Jimmy John's on South U. on Thursday, Saturday and Monday nights or email him at berkat@umich.edu.