Face the facts: Dial 764-6969 and get some

Waj Syed

The Karachi Kama-Sutra

So, what's it gonna be, eh ... ? As the proud inheritor of the least read column slot of the week, I am still cheerfully enthusiastic about my quasi-revolutionary stints and foreign policy paradigm shifts here for the penultimate page 4. Just so you know, this is not the last of me. More crocks and mocks are being pre-cooked for your consumption. More debacles on ink await your audience. But for the sake of all you Milophiles, they can rot on the back burner of free press for now ... this one has nothing to do with anything ... it's just about getting some.

Tonight, the brave, the proud and the beautiful will charge the battlefield of the city which houses this academic cooperative. Flesh will be on the streets and in the air. What's the Mile all about? Tradition, school spirit, drunken stupor, whatever. I have zero doubts about advocating the sexuality of the whole gambit. What's that song about being mammals and doing it like they do it on the Discovery Channel? That's the ticket. So please, kindly dismantle the Republican/devout/plutonic/divine-interventionist/good-clean-fun/bullshit intellectual wardrobe you dress up in for the parents, priests and professors, and face the facts about the hound-dog reality of the Nunga Meel. On that note, the Karachi Kama-Sutra shall leave you buggers with the all the versions and renditions of the carnal mediums this campus has to offer ... how you like it is up to you:

o Sex on the couch: Psychology Dept.

o Statutory Rape: The Law School

o Hippy Sex: East Quad

o Jock Sex: West Quad

o No Sex: Bursley, the School of Engineering

o The New Jersey Turnpike pick-up: Markley

o Do-It-Your-Self: The Grad Stacks

o Pure Sex: Biology Dept.

o Lover's Leap: Dennison

o Oral Sex: The Dental School

o Cyber-Sex: The EECS Building

o Anal Sex: The Business School

o Necropheliacs: MoJo ... the buggers are right across the cemetery.

o Goin' Deep: The Big House (preferably, the 50 yard line)

o SCORE!: Yost Ice Arena

o Sex without a future: The Schools of Music and Art

o Just for her: Martha Cook, Betsey Barbour, Helen Newberry and Stockwell (where, evidently, they stock pretty well).

o Just for him: Sauna room of the CCRB

o Quickies: The Michigan Union (Check e-mail, get Wendy's, get some, get out).

o Don't-have-to-worry-about-getting-knocked-up Sex: Nuclear Engineering Dept.

o Booty Camp: ROTC

o 69: Mathematics Dept.

o Safe Sex: The Medical School

o Porn: Film/Video Studies Dept.

o Poor Sex: With anyone in a graduate school or the School of Social Work.

o Dirty Sex: Ypsilanti

o Bestiality: MSU

o Honest and Loud Sex: The Michigan Daily

o The Best Sex in Ann bloody Arbor: All of the 14 residents of 514 Monroe St., including the gentleman in the picture.

Defying all the boundaries of journalistic integrity is not an easy task. Whatever you have just read was a meant in good taste and was specifically authored for this last day of school. It's been a tough year, no doubt. Apart from the buddhas among us, we all live in a cynical, cynical world. Misanthropic harboring and churlish political commentary, challenging and engrossing as they might be, can take a seat for now. Sex is not college, but definitely a part of the life we live here. Face the facts, and come out of the closet. Cheers.

- Waj Syed can be reached via

e-mail at wajsyed@umich.edu.