The SportsMonday Column 'M' needs to play Hokies to spice up blah 2000 schedule T. J. Berka Teeing Off With the football season over, I have been at a loss about what to write. The antics of Todd Howard, Bennie Joppru and crew have consumed my life for the last five months, so the conclusion to the season nine days ago left me searching for something to write about. Due to the habits that I have developed this season, I decided to peruse next year's schedule. There was really no good reason to do this, as I won't be a student when September rolls around. But I checked the schedule out anyway. Unlike most years that I have done this, all I could do was laugh at Michigan's nonconference docket. Bowling Green, Rice and UCLA? Sounds more like a Sunday morning trip to Dunkin' Donuts than the start of a football season for the Wolverines. Although I did laugh initially at the mockery that Michigan's football schedule was, a feeling of hurt washed over me. I realize Lloyd Carr has complained about playing murderous schedules - both in the Big Ten and in the nonconference seasons - but the measures taken this season are ridiculous. Come on, why the hell is Michigan playing Bowling Green? The Falcons are a cupcake in a conference filled with shelves of confectionery delights, the Mid-American Conference. Bowling Green hasn't had a winning season since I have been in school. The Falcons - who are the true Dirty Birds simply because they play like poop - even lost to Akron by 30 points earlier this season. So after the Wolverines obliterate Bowling Green 87-8 - I'm sure even the Falcon starters can get a touchdown on the Michigan freshmen redshirt walkons - Rice comes into Michigan Stadium again. I can see why Rice would be welcomed back to Ann Arbor. The Owls did combine with the Wolverines to provide one of the more exciting games in recent Michigan history this past season. I'm sure Rice was just feeling out Michigan in its 37-3 loss this past season so they could pull the upset when Sept. 9 rolls around. Honestly, how can a team not cross midfield - even by accident - until three minutes are left in the game? You know those tricky Owls were plotting something. Sorry, they weren't. They just simply suck. Michigan will win that game 67-2, as Hayden Epstein will punt the ball backward out of the end zone out of pure boredom. After that hard-fought trouncing, the Wolverines travel to UCLA to play Cade McNown and John Wooden. I know, UCLA has had a few teams make it to the Rose Bowl and lose to Wisconsin recently. But the Bruins were 4-7 this season, about equal to Indiana's output. And besides, UCLA's main color is pastel blue, which is gross. Any football team that wears colors that an interior decorator would love is not a threat. After I let out all of this rage, I happened to have a copy of the Newark Star-Ledger in my hand. I really have no clue how this happened, as I don't live in New Jersey and I never have had a desire to visit the Garden State. But I had the Star-Ledger in my hand, so I flipped through it. As I was reading this fine paper, I saw that Michigan had agreed to play in the Kickoff Classic. This gave me excitement, as I started to envision the Wolverines knocking boots with a major power in the Jersey Swamps. But that excitement turned to disgust again once I read that the Wolverines turned down a matchup with No. 2 Virginia Tech. Instead, Michigan was looking to proposition Boston College, the same gaggle of fools that lost 62-28 to a less-than-competent Colorado team in the Insight.com Bowl. I think its safe to say that the student body would be excited with a matchup with the Hokies. If Michigan somehow could have gotten past that perennial juggernaut Illinois this season, there would have been a lot of debate on who would have played in the Sugar Bowl this season. Basically, the Kickoff Classic could showcase Virginia Tech as a bunch of turkeys - if the Wolverines grow the spine necessary to schedule the game of that magnitude. Michigan has never ducked a tough football game. Let's hope that it doesn't start this season. - T.J. Berka would love to trade for Michael Vick, but that's slightly illegal under current NCAA rules. He can be reached at berkat@umich.edu. Originally on page 3B in the 1-10-2000 issue of the Daily.