Flashcards for the Socially Dysfunctional Very rarely in this column do I ever pass judgment or spout social commentary, but today I have a little piece of advice in the form of a simple phrase: Chris Kula Unsung Ann Arbor Don't be that guy. I think that you all know to whom I'm referring. That guy comes in many different shapes, sizes and genders (oh, trust me: That guy can most definitely be female), but the common trait which that guy always possesses is the uncanny ability to make you roll your eyes and sigh in utter exasperation. That guy seems to show up more often than I'd care to witness, always at the most inopportune of times. Granted, that guy often provides you with good anecdotes at his expense, but his shenanigans get quite tiresome after a short while. So, my humble advice for the day is to read on, enjoy and always remember: * Don't be that guy who wears the t-shirt of the band he's going to see in concert that night. * Don't be that guy who repeatedly pushes the "UP" button while waiting for the elevator, as if doing so will make the doors open any sooner. * Don't be that guy who special orders his hamburger without any ketchup. * Don't be that guy who says "Thanks" without really meaning it, like "Hey, could you guys not play your music so loud? Thanks." * Don't be that guy who reminds the professor about collecting the homework just moments before class gets out. * Don't be that guy who always needs to know "What was that?" when he hears a loud noise somewhere. * Don't be that guy who belittles his girlfriend and somehow makes her feel the guilt. * Don't be that guy who waits until the absolute last second before merging left when a lane closes. * Don't be that guy who refers to five Bob Marley-listening freshmen smoking down in a dorm room as "partying." * Don't be that guy who all too frequently mentions that he "played a little football back in high school." * Don't be that guy with scabes. * Don't be that guy who flamboyantly proclaims for the whole world "I'm so drunk right now!" * Don't be that guy who says that, despite the gurgling cappuccino machines and chatty people surrounding him, he "concentrates a lot better" at the local coffeeshop. * Don't be that guy who walks so very slowly up the stairs, as if each agonizing step was bringing him a little bit closer to death. * Don't be that guy who insists that you should start a band with him someday. * Don't be that guy who's certain that "she's the only girl I'll ever love." * Don't be that guy who never throws in for the pizza yet always seems to end up chomping on a slice or two. * Don't be that guy who vehemently argues that John was the driving force in the group's success (pssst: It was Paul). * Don't be that guy who only smokes at bars and parties because "you know, it totally fits the atmosphere." * Don't be that guy James "Buddha" Edwards. * Don't be that guy who gets so incredibly tormented when somebody uses e-mail to reply to the entire group. * Don't be that guy who goes home with the girl who's clearly had too much to drink. * Don't be that guy who asserts that he listens to "every kind of music except country." * Don't be that guy who tells his mom to hold on because he has another call. * Don't be that guy who has "just one more thing to bring up before we're done here." * Don't be that guy who yells "Freebird!" * Don't be that guy who quotes Jimmy Buffett as his e-mail's signature file. * Don't be that guy who tries to appear scholarly by using phrases like "There's a certain sense in which..." or "Pastorally speaking..." * Don't be that guy who's behind the guy who's behind the guy. * Don't be that guy who writes about quirky social disgraces in his newspaper column. Chris Kula can be reached at ckula@umich.edu, and he's that guy who causes groans by claiming that he's "Kula than the rest." Originally on page 11B in the 1-27-2000 issue of the Daily.