The SportsMonday Column

Teeing Off

T.J. Berka

Mexican sports : redefining bizarre

ACAPULCO, Mexico - My journey back from Mexico wasn't the best trip ever. After deboarding the five-hour flight from Acapulco, I, of all people, was chosen for a random search by the United States Customs Department.

As the Customs Officer was sifting through my array of dirty clothes, tequila and unused contraceptives, I got to thinking. I realized that I had just spent a week without thinking about Michigan sports.

That fact didn't bother me at all really. I figured that the basketball team got their ass kicked by State - which was pretty accurate - and that the hockey team won the CCHA regular-season title, which again was on the money.

So there wasn't much in the way of sports to get in the way of my fun in southwestern Mexico. I spent a week away from it all - enjoying the sweltering tropical sun, the swim-up bar at the hotel pool and the glitzy clubs that dotted the coast of Acapulco Bay.

I didn't really miss sports at all.

I saw the occasional NBA game at Hooters on ESPN Latin America - with Spanish-speaking announcers of course - but for the most part I was left in the dark about major sporting events.

But as my friendly Customs Officer - we'll call her Pearl - was sifting through my collection of maize T-shirts looking for meat and fruits, my mind started to wander. I really had nothing better to do in that situation, except answer 'No' when Pearl asked me if I was a smack dealer.

So as I was looking back at the week I spent in Acapulco, I realized that I hadn't totally avoided sports. Although I didn't get a chance to watch SportsCenter, I witnessed a lot of sporting activity during my week in paradise.

First of all, I completed my first-ever bungee jump. That historic feat, was something I had wanted to do for a long time. Due to a special offer, I jumped for only 300 pesos - 30 American dollars.

I was sort of worried about fulfilling my bungee desires in Mexico. Being in a Third World country where the hotel elevators only serve certain floors and where you can buy 18-year old girls by the kilogram off the street, my confidence in plunging 150 feet while being supported by a mere cord was shaky.

But I made the ascent up the tower and the plunge below. My stomach went through as many convulsions as it does when I watch the Michigan defense defend the Hail Mary. But it was worth it - especially after I celebrated the feat with a Tequila Slammer and a two-story dive into a dolphin tank.

Speaking of the Michigan football team, I also learned something new about them this weekend. There were a few of them staying in my hotel, La Palapa, and they proved to me why they are on scholarship at this University.

Defensive end Jake Frysinger and wide receiver Rudy Smith were the first to convince me of their well-rounded athleticism, as they made a mean chicken-fighting duo. With Frysinger holding Smith on his shoulders, the pair easily made mincemeat of most challengers.

Punter Cory Sargent also proved that he can cut some rug. Sargent wasn't the best dancer in the world - in fact, I didn't see much of a difference between his dancing style and mine. But Sargent had a lot more chicas dancing with him than I did, and none of them seemed to be of the hired 18-year old Mexican variety, so he was doing something right.

But as talented as Frysinger, Smith and Sargent were, none of them could hold a candle to offensive lineman Kurt Anderson. The sophomore, who I said should be traded to Penn State last semester, was the star of Acapulco.

It wasn't due to his athletic ability, though his dive off the La Palapa diving board with Frysinger on his back was pretty sweet. Instead, Anderson stole the show with his rapping ability.

For two consecutive afternoons at La Palapa, the behemoth offensive linemen snapped spring breakers out of their hangovers with his spirited freestyle rap. His hit single, "Cocoa in Acapulco", an ode to breakfast cereal, "playful" women and other stuff I can't put in this column, roused the poolside crowd of drunken vacationers on a regular basis.

Anderson was so good he became a bigger fan favorite than the kid who bonged nine beers. I enjoyed his act so much that I will officially apologize for even suggesting that he be traded. Even if he doesn't ever start for Michigan, his rapping ability will serve him well in future endeavors.

Finally, Pearl was convinced that I wasn't a Colombian crack dealer and told me to go on my way. But I hesitated for a second, engrossed in my thoughts of Acapulco. I even came up with a new sport: Bug Racing.

The dominant vehicle in Acapulco is a 1970s-style Volkswagen Bug. All the taxicab drivers in the city drive them, and their driving style can best be described as bizarre. These little Bugs break speed laws, drive on sidewalks and change lanes by the threes, making for an entertaining trip. I honestly thought that I was going to die at least once during every cab ride I took.

Add those cab drivers to the cops patrolling around in truck beds with submachine guns, and you have the next great sport. The rules are left up to you.

Ultimately, I left Metro Airport and went back to Ann Arbor to continue college life. But for a week, I experienced sports at their most raw and ridiculous.

- T.J. Berka hopes that The Daily will pick up the tab for his trip to Acapulco, but he isn't holding his breath. He can be reached via email at berkat@umich.edu.