President Kula: "My fellow Americans, I'll rock your world"

I was always told as a child that "If you want the job done right, you have to do it yourself." That being said, I'd like to announce my candidacy for the office of president of the United States of America.

 

Chris Kula Unsung Ann Arbor

I may not have received any quote-unquote "nominations" and I know that I possess no "political experience." I'm aware that I'm not even "registered to vote." But when I think of the leadership my opponents are offering, I am left longing for me.

And so I offer up to you my executive services for the next four years. The elitist politicos out there will scoff at me, pointing to their antiquated precedents: "But Kula, the Constitution says that you can't run for office!" That's the same thing the British told George Washington, and he went on to become the quarter.

My opponents have given me little regard in their campaigns, as if I were not a viable voting option. They've spent months and months extolling the importance of their platforms, but standing just about six feet with no shoes on, I'm proud to say that I do not need platforms. Chris Kula the candidate is naturally tall.

They have attempted to stir public interest in announcing their highly visible running mates, while I quietly picked for my vice-presidential counterpart the fictional character of Lando Calrissian. They laughed at the idea of a figure from the Star Wars universe serving as my second-in-command, but what they don't know is that Lando has recently made a deal to keep the Empire out of America for a long time.

My opponents like to discuss the issues, but I like to discuss how they have issues. In my 21 years as an American citizen, I have executed only one man - and that was in Reno, and it was just to watch him die. I have been vocal in my support of conserving the natural resources of not only the Earth, but also the Wind and the Fire.

They go on and on about how they'll supply drugs for senior citizens, but what they're not telling you is that they can only provide prescription medication - I will get you the hard shit. Uncut cocaine? Yes. Heroin? You've got it. Angel dust? I won't ask questions. If you've got the money, I've got the stuff, the kind of stuff that will have you asking God for proper directions back to your soul.

Kids come up to me all the time and ask, "What's your position on education?" Most of the time I find myself on top of education, straddling it with my legs, but that's not important right now. Especially not with a debate raging over education vouchers. I can't imagine a candidate who wouldn't vouch for the benefit of an education, and I certainly count myself as one of these vouchers.

But what separates me from my opponents is the fact that I believe we must evolve the standard classroom setting into one in which the superior students are moved to the head of the class, if you will, and are given the chance to fill certain stereotypical roles - the tough guy, the nerd, the red-haired girl named Simone -and learn valuable lessons from their ex-hippie teacher.

I know that my opponents may question my past achievements, but I believe my record speaks for itself. It's available at all Harmony House outlets for $12.99, a 12-inch remix of Rick James' "Super Freak," and it's currently packing the dance floors at parties in the Detroit/Windsor area. Ask yourself this: Have any of my opponents even attempted to break into the electronic music scene? The answer is a throbbing, bass-heavy "No."

When you go into that voting booth next Tuesday, I want you to remember the name Chris Kula. And you will really need to remember the name, because it will not appear on any of the ballots, and if you forget the name, you will not be able to write it in the place where the name goes. My opponents will tell you that, in voting for me, you're throwing your vote in the garbage. To that I respond: Go ahead, throw away your vote, because a vote for trash is a vote for Kula.

- Chris Kula can be reached via e-mail at ckula@umich.edu.