Jimmy John's for a quarter and other great deals

David Horn

Hornography

Well, sort of. One of my friends told me today that if you go into Jimmy John's and give them a quarter, they'll give you a bun and a bunch of mayonnaise packets. That's really not a bad deal. And Jimmy John's has plenty of others.

This column is for freshmen. By now you've found that you're either a kid who simply cannot go to sleep before 4 a.m., or you're not. You know who you are. You know what it feels like to watch the athletes leave for practice while you're laying upside down on dorm lounge furniture, counting the hours until your next class. Kids who think they "waste time" in the residence halls until "all hours" don't know what they're saying. You do though. You've seen the sun come up too many times. You've found time for a legitimate fourth meal of the day, somewhere right around 2:30 a.m. You know that "Saved By the Bell" reruns air on TBS at 6 a.m. You know what time nytimes.com is updated from Wednesday's edition to Thursday's.

If you want to narrow your search for the right delivery, listen up. I may come across every other week in this column as some uninformed blowhard who doesn't know up from down. I may be off the mark on abortion, or gun control, or politics, but God help the kid who says I don't know my Ann Arbor delivery menu.

Anyway, after two years of late-night ordering, I've come to realize that Jimmy John's is pretty much the place to go. If you order late night a lot and you aren't onto the Jimmy John's, you don't know what you're doing.

My friends and I are generally big Pizza House patrons, but that gets expensive and unhealthy. When I lived in South Quad, I was all about NYPD. I would walk there just because I love the smell when you walk in. I can't imagine a better smell in all of Ann Arbor. But this year I'm living on the other side of South University. At the beginning of the year, my roommate and I were all about Pita Pit. Let me tell you this: Pita Pit sucks. They skimp on ingredients. They get backed up. They have a $2 delivery charge.

Pizza House is always a tempting option. If you've got some green in your wallet it's hard to say no to the House, especially in the twilight hours. They're open until 4 a.m., which gives them a significant edge. They've got two staples: The steak fries and the chipati. The chipati sauce is hard to refuse.

The other thing Pizza House has going for it is variety. I must have read that menu 1,000 times, but I keep going back to it and I keep finding something new. I recommend the Chicken Honey Mustard, with steak fries, a large Coke and a side of ranch. Ranch is key. Ranch makes any meal good and that's not just a Pizza House rule. That's a life rule. Pizza House has milkshakes too. And they're damn good. And all their pseudo-Italian dishes (lasagna, ziti, etc) are quality. But your Pizza House bill is going to be steep. Pizza House is not the kind of thing you want to get addicted to. My recommendation is that you save Pizza House for special occasions. Exercise some self-restraint.

As for NYPD, that's another tough order to turn down. When I first saw NYPD I was a bit skeptical. It stands for New York Pizza Depot. As a New Yorker, I didn't really think that anyone west of Hoboken had any business calling themselves that. But a slice later, I decided they could call themselves anything they wanted. A slice of the ziti, a slice of the BBQ chicken and a slice of the white and you're all set. They have a baked ziti dinner deal that comes with bread and salad, but stay away from that. You tend to overload on carbohydrates with NYPD. They've got Cherry Coke, which earns them some points. If you're over there on William Street, stop in. Otherwise, it's probably not worth waiting for the delivery.

No restaurant in this city is as appropriately named as Mr. Spots. It's the spot for the best food. They're early close (1:30 a.m., 1 a.m. for delivery) leaves them second to Jimmy John's on my scorecard. I like to fancy myself a buffalo wing connoisseur and I can say with 100 percent certainty that Spots' are among the best wings I've ever had. Go with the suicides. There's nothing like it. A dozen suicides, an order of cheese fries and a Coke and you're still paying right around $10. If you're concerned about calories or cholesterol or fatty lipids you shouldn't be reading this column anyway.

For Chinese, go with Dynersty. They've got the best hot and sour soup this side of Beijing. If you're feeling ambitious and want to venture out onto the streets, check out Panchero's. I'm a recent Panchero's convert. Why no one told me about this treasure I don't know. But for $6 you're eating some tasty, healthy, filling burritos. They don't deliver, which is a no-no, but they're open until 3 a.m., which is big. If Panchero's delivered, they would own this town. Don't let people talk to you about Cottage Inn. Everything on their menu is either cheaper or better somewhere else.

Finally we come to Jimmy John's. It's so simple. $3 equals a sandwich. A really good sandwich. It's nothing fancy, but it works. Their signs say that "Your mom wants you to eat Jimmy John's," and that it's "Damn good, damn fast." They're so right on both accounts. The sandwiches are just like my mom would make. And their speed is unparalleled. From the point where you and your friend decide to order until the time the Vito (my personal favorite) is in your mouth is potentially less than ten minutes. They tell you 25-30 and then surprise you with a phone call five minutes later. If Jimmy John's isn't satisfying you're late night delivery needs, I don' know what will.

And they're practically giving mayo away!

- David Horn can be reached via e-mail at hornd@umich.edu.