Rebate the debate and get a free gift

Debate the Debate, Mr. President-Elect. Beat the spread of Pennsylvania Avenue stardom.

Waj Syed The Karachi Kama-Sutra

Don't remodel Daddy's Lego government-playset in the Austin mansion's living room.

Don't quarter-back your humanity away with your JFK-like tosses for Peter Jennings and Bernard Shaw.

Liberate, don't fornicate.

Realize, don't rape.

Win. Or Lose.

Be Presidential.

Rebate the Debate, Mr. Arab-Israeli Conflict Hawk.

Your arguments are biased. Just like mine. Just like theirs.

American frigates, Israeli helicopters, Palestinian rocks and Saudi oil don't make for the amenable global economy omelet you just ordered for breakfast.

You've got a religious casualty in a political ambulance. Drive with caution.

As you fuel up on Poli-Sci 160/Torah/Quran inspired Zionist and Arab Nationalist hi-octane from Exxon-Mobil, Jerusalem bleeds.

Stop running on divinenergizer batteries.

Start using secular fluids.

Disinfect the wounds of a holy city.

Honor the spiritual road-kills.

Rebate the Debate, Mr. Pro-Lifer.

Talk simplicity, not complicity.

You're anti-choice. You're anti-independence.

Stop playing a social, biological or constitutional God/Referee/Umpire.

If you're not pregnant, it's not your fucking call.

Rebate the Debate, Mr. I Didn't Go Vote.

Think Kashmir. Think Afghanistan. Think Mozambique. Think Uzbekistan. Think Sierra Leone. Think Indonesia. Think Spain. Think Chechnya. Think of all those places outside of your Sprint PCS network plan where people died this last week to get in the ballot. To reiterate the argument. To make the point to choose. To vote.

If you still don't get it, if you're really that apathetic, go start a revolution, emigrate, or hara-kiri your sorry mind with an NRA sponsored Colt .45 in the mouth. I'll vote to legislate that if they let me. Promise.

Rebate the Debate, Mr. Post-1969 U.S. Citizen.

Congratulate your American ancestors on their longest surviving legacy. You are now the proud owner of an innate standardized-test-score advantage and a precedent of tactical-nuke hegemony. Meanwhile, your University remains as segregated as your church, your cafeteria, your IT start-up office space and your leadership seminar's homework group.

Rebate the Debate, Mr. Daily Reader.

It's no surprise to you that all such columns, reputed as the nadir of undergraduate bitchery, have been and shall be dictated upon such norms of quasi-prophetic indulgence.

But hey, don't listen to this. Don't listen to Bollinger. Don't listen to DAAP. Just take a look around yourself and do the math. There are no pre-requisites to the class we call Observation. Go ahead and register. It might not fulfill the Race and Ethnicity requirement, but it's free.

It's free and it's cruel.

In summation, reading with dead eyes for a dead cause is the single most self-effacing and depreciating pill you will take for your daily dose of venal vitamins.

So take time out, young Wolve.

Cash in the chips.

Kill the clock.

Beat the spread of the conscience.

Rebate the debate.

And get a free gift.

- Disenfranchised, balding and

diabolically inclined to bring down the electoral college, Waj Syed can be reached

via e-mail at wajsyed@umich.edu.