Presenting the top ten greatest porno movies of all time

By Lyle Henretty

Daily Arts Writer

The pornographic film industry has always been the red headed stepchild of the entertainment business. Pornographic, or "porno," movies have been around since the invention of the camera and bring in billions of dollars in revenue each year. Hard working, independent producers, directors, crewmembers and devoted, talented actors and actresses bust their humps to put out a new movie every few weeks. And that doesn't even touch the fetish subgenre! Yet these hard working men and women are treated like pariahs, simply because they give the people what they want.

Pornographic films have often been derided for their budget saving techniques, simple, grass roots plots and all the naked people having nasty sex. This writer, for one, is appalled by these fallacies propagated by the ruling elite. I have now taken it into my own hands to celebrate the climactic achievements of the porn industry. Come with me, as we go down on the hardest list I've ever had to write.

10. "Dirty Bobs Xcellent Adventure 36" : While this is one of the lesser known series in the porno genre, it is certainly one of the most enduring. I feel that Dirty Bob, who also directs, really hits his stride in this, the thirty-sixth installment. His character, also named Dirty Bob, has developed into a living, writhing, truly comforting figure. Yet Dirty Bob, along with the scriptwriter (also Dirty Bob) breathes new life into this familiar character, pulling out a few surprises (hint: we finally learn why he is called "Dirty Bob"). Fans of the series, though, will not be disappointed, as there are still plenty of three ways with co-stars Phoenixx Blaque and Kristen Bleu. A nice return for the initiated, an inspired gem for those new to the series.

9. "Caligula" : Okay, so this isn't technically a porno movie. But where else can you get Shakespearean actors like Sir John Gielgud, Peter O'Toole and Malcolm McDowell in a movie directed by Bob Guccione, owner of Penthouse Magazine? The high drama and the duped cast are nicely offset by loads of naked ladies and some pretty hard-core pornography, reportedly shot secretly after the "real" actors had finished with their parts. Oral history takes on a whole new meaning with this one!

8. "The Postman Always Comes Twice" : It's rare that a story of such utter joy and simplicity touches us quite like the story of requited love in the afternoon. Bunny Bleu (no relation to Kristen) is a lonely housewife who no longer finds life satisfying. Herschel Savage is a well regarded postal worker who has satisfied life on more than one occasion. Theirs is a story of fulfillment and hard-core sex while the cat watches. The perfect date movie.

7. "Traci, I Love You" : This one is crucial for the collector, as it is the only legal porn film starring teen heartthrob Traci Lords. After creating this film through her own production company, Traci went on to star in Stephen King's groundbreaking mini-series "The Tommyknockers."

6. "Defiance: The Spanking Story" : Brock Henderson, captain of the Coitus College Lacrosse team has a heart-wrenching secret. All he wants to do is be spanked. While his friends mock him and have hard-core sex with cheerleaders, professors, friendly bar maids and the team mascot, he defies (hence, the title) them all to find his one true love (Dominatrix Heady Palm). What might seem like commonplace pornographic spanking-sex sequences by today's standards were groundbreaking in their day. I believe the film still rises to the occasion.

5. "The Good, The Bad, and the Horny" : The title and story of this film hardly matter, and its inclusion here is simply to represent the GIGANTIC body of work from a GIANT in the industry: John Holmes. John made one of the LARGEST contributions imaginable to the porn industry. Holmes was just a simple Bible student from Ohio until he made it BIG in a BIG way. Holmes' career spanned 17, maybe 18 years. Plus he is the only BIG porn star to make a 3-dimensional film (sit in the back row, trust me). Also appears in the Guinness Book of World Records for some reason or another.

4. "Frankenpenis II" : This film is a special treat for a heretofore untapped market: Women that enjoy balding, ugly, fat men with greasy hair and mustaches, and also have a hidden urge to look at recently re-attached severed genitalia. That's right, Ron Jeremy and John Wayne Bobbit, together again. Jeremy is a gift to the porn fan, as well as a hero to all of us overweight ugly guys that only shower once a week. Bobbit still stands as an American icon, a man who gallantly looked penile amputation in the eye and said, "I think not, my friend." Bravo, gentleman, and keep them coming.

3. "Pussyman 10: Butts, Butts, and more Butts" : Honestly, I have never seen this movie, but it has a very promising title, and if they're already up to part 10, there must be a demand for such a thing. I've got some free time this weekend, if anyone wants to come over and watch it with me. Please? Anyone?

2. "Deep Throat" : Linda Lovelace stars as a woman unsatisfied with sex. With the help of Dr. Young (Harry Reem) Linda discovers that her clitoris, in an apparent oversight by God, has been placed deep down inside her throat. Luckily, the doctor and several patients and other random people that, I don't know, came from somewhere, help Linda with her problem. Several times. This is the first legal porn movie and, as far as I know, the only porn movie to ever single-handedly bring down a presidential administration.

1. "Debbie Does Dallas" : Not only a wonderful pornographic picture, but also one of the finest cheerleader movies ever made. Debbie, as many of you know, has moved onto bigger and better things. She has, as far as I know, "done" absolutely everything beginning with the letter "D" this side of Daily Arts Reporters. Anyhow, I'm a little shaky on the plot and such for this film, as I've never personally gotten past the first fifteen minutes, but, seriously, it's the greatest fifteen minutes ever placed on generic videotape.

"Debbie Does Dallas" remains the

classic film in the adult market.