2001: Pornography in the presidential office

It's been over a week since the Presidential election and I'm sick of waiting for the results. The electoral college vote is hopelessly mired in a legal debate that will probably last longer than the O.J. Simpson trials. Bush was barely up by 1,000 votes, he was up by only 229, then back up a few hundred and now it's back down to 300-some... I've got a headache.

John Uhl Uhl Get Nothing and Like It

Meanwhile, although it looks like Gore will win the popular vote, it's apparently unconstitutional and wrong to award the presidency to the candidate who recieved the most votes. My guess is that we won't have a new president in office until after I graduate this spring.

Should my prediction come true and some sort of Constitutional crisis were to ocurr, we'll need someone to uphold the duties that President Clinton will retire in January. In this light and in celebration of Porn Week here at Daily Arts, I'd like suggest that John C. Holmes be the Interim President of the United States.

You know John Holmes, right? Johnny Wadd, Long John Wadd, Big John Fallus ... the porn star that the Dirk Diggler character in Boogie Nights was based on. In an industry dominated by women, in which men are told when, where and how hard to orgasm, Holmes has been the sole male to rise to true stardom.

I mean, between Clinton and Gore, we've had two dicks in the White House for the last eight years. Why not consolidate? One big dick in the Oval Office is all we really need. After the whole Monica Lewinsky bit, only someone of Holmes' stature stands a chance of being considered a more virile president than Clinton and it would truely be a shame to think of our next president as being less of a man than him.

Worried about how Holmes would address some of the issues? Here's how he stacks up to some of the American public's likely concerns:

Family values: Since he's a former porn star, Heartland Americans

Family values: Since he's a former porn star, Heartland Americans will certainly be skeptical of his connection to family life. Yet Holmes hasn't had just one wife like most presidents, he had several!

Sexual Objectification of Women: Feminists are sure to be similarly wary. But Holmes is not known for gender bias. Although he screwed scads of women, Holmes was just as likely to be seen nailing men. In a world filled with prejudice and hate, why not find a leader that's all about equality?

Political Wheeling and Dealing: Holmes served as a liason to the Los Angeles Police Department to avoid prosecution for pimping and pandering in 1973. In the '80s, he worked with the mafia, an essential alliance for any good politician.

Congresional Gridlock: No need to be concerned about filibusters and other such nuances, Holmes has historically gotten his way by performing sexual favors. No more powerless Executive Branch!

Foreign Policy: As the title of his 1978 film Johnny Does Paris suggests, he's been there, done that. Moreover, he worked with Ilona "Ciccolina" Staller, an eventual member of the Italian Parliament.

The War on Drugs: Like presidential hopeful George W. Bush, Holmes had a dubious past. But he was never convicted of drunk driving and, certainly, he now regrets the error of his ways.

You might ask, 'didn't John Holmes die from AIDS in 1988?' Yes, he did. But pornography insiders debate over whether he contracted HIV through sexual contact. So he's still a wholesome candidate.

Also, recall that the state of Missouri already elected their deceased governor to the Senate this fall. Furthermore, interim positions are generally awarded in symbolic gestures of appreciation for someone who has trudged up through the ranks. Thus nothing would be more appropriate than to bestow the title of Commander in Chief to America's ultimate sleazeball.

-If you would like a 'John C. Holmes, a Pornographic President' button, contact John at juhl@umich.edu. The 'Porn for Prez' bumper stickers and lawn signs will be available soon.