In the name of the Father, the Son and Glenn

There is only question that matters this week: Do you agree with Glenn?

 

Chris Kula Unsung Ann Arbor

By now you've probably seen Glenn's flyers scattered across campus, or you may have encountered someone in a "Do you agree with Glenn?" T-shirt in one of your classes. If it seems that Glenn is everywhere, it's true - and yet there's so much more to Glenn than just omnipresence.

Glenn entered my life during a particularly hard time. I was dealing with a bad break-up, I'd been evicted from my apartment and I was on speed. And by that I mean the Keanu Reeves movie - I had an extra's role as Unsuspecting Pedestrian #2, and I'd never felt worse about myself as a human.

That's when I first learned of Glenn and his crusade. I was chasing after a dog when I collided with a young woman who was distributing literature on the street corner. I was just about to help her up when a different woman distributing different literature said to me, "Do you agree with Glenn?"

Thinking she meant former Purdue University small forward Glenn Robinson, I said, "No, I think the Big Dog should have stayed in school for his final year." She shook her head and handed me a pamphlet.

"Glenn will show you the way," she whispered.

Although I never used the free Arby's coupons the woman gave me, Glenn is still showing me the way. I admit, at first I was scared that Glenn was just the figurehead for a creepy, subversive religious cult, but that's not the case at all. Glenn doesn't even belong to an organized religion - I think he was raised by Communists.

But unlike those Communists who want to steal away our children in the dead of night, Glenn's mission is to help all peoples, regardless of race, ethnicity or creed even Apollo. Some spiritual leaders will only cater to a particular group, but one of Glenn's greatest attributes is his tolerance: He can and will out-drink members of any religious sect, and it doesn't matter if he's knocking back the Manishevitz with the Jews, the vino rojo with the Catholics or the white milk with the Protestants.

Glenn is also a big proponent of forgiveness. I recall one time when Glenn and I were walking down the street, discussing spices and whatnot, when a man bumped into Glenn and sent him reeling. This gentleman didn't bother to say he was sorry, so Glenn chased him down and unleashed upon him a savage, unholy beating. As Glenn rained down an array of close-fisted blows and deadly mule kicks, the man finally mumbled an apology.

"Forgiveness is a virtue," Glenn hissed.

Some individuals have accused Glenn of going to extremes, but the way he sees it, it's always too high or too low, there ain't no in-between. People are just unfamiliar with his beliefs, and in cases like this, ignorance breeds fear, or at least a slight sense of nausea. Ask yourself this: Do you agree with Glenn, or do you feel queasy?

Glenn believes we were all created equal in the image of simple carnie folk.

Glenn believes in the natural love between a man and a woman and another man and a second woman and the mustached Tom Selleck.

Glenn believes in miracles, as well as Smokey Robinson's solo work.

Glenn believes in the personal return of the late "Dear John" star Judd Hirsch to this physical world.

But most importantly, Glenn believes in divine intervention. He's never been afraid to confront a deity and say, "Buddha, you've got a problem with the pills" or "Christ, man, you gambled away your kid's college fund." Glenn helped Shiva stop sniffing glue, he got Ra off of booze and he talked God out of the whole "Sinners go to hell" fiasco. When gods go wild, Glenn is there to put the fear of Glenn in them.

I've made my choice: I don't agree with Beatles, I just agree with Glenn.

- Chris Kula can be reached via e-mail at ckula@umich.edu. Go with Glenn.