Creed rocks: The gospel according to a Daily columnist

Kids come up to me on the street all the time and ask, "Hey, Kula: What is hip?"

Let me just tell you, they're asking the right person.

As a columnist at a college newspaper, I have the crucial task of sharing with those less cultured than myself exactly what constitutes the cutting edge of trendy. It's my job - nay, duty - to enlighten the masses.

 

Chris Kula Unsung Ann Arbor

People my age tend to need guidance in their lives. They wear the wrong clothes, attend the wrong parties and wear the wrong clothes. I just want to help them realize their mistakes the best I can - on a weekly basis.

For example, if I were to learn that many of my peers were listening to records by the Beatles, I would waste no time in setting them straight. The Beatles are very old, and most old music is just not hip. I would recommend that they check out a younger, fresher band like Creed. Lead singer Scott Stapp has some of the best stage moves in rock, and he looks much better on a bedroom poster than John Lennon, who is dead.

The same goes for literature buffs who devote themselves to relics like Shakespeare, Hemingway and Kerouac. Perhaps they've never heard of "Sex and the City" creator Candace Bushnell? She writes well, but more importantly, she has impeccable style and great teeth.

I witness these types of embarrassing faults in judgment all the time, and they're not limited to popular culture. I see people eating bad foods, dating unattractive individuals and studying useless majors. But, fortunately for these folks, I write a column in a college newspaper.

As the voice of my generation in a 10-block radius, I have the opportunity to show these people the true way. I bear their burden on my back in the form of a 700-word article. I am the unsung shepherd to their flock. Of course, I'm not trying to imply that I'm a Christ-like figure - I'm just saying that on most Thursdays, I do bleed from the palms.

There are so many issues calling for my attention, too. With the elections just a month off, I plan to discuss national politics at great length in the upcoming weeks. I have never voted in an election before and I will not vote in this one, but rest assured: I am your learned guide to the candidates. After all, I wouldn't be writing a column in the Daily unless I was well-versed in American political theory - college newspapers are no place for the uninformed.

The same goes for affirmative action, eating disorders and international affairs. My unique background as a white, middle-classed male who's never left North America allows me to write with true insight into these matters. If there's one thing in life that you can count on, it's that your local columnist has a topical, thought-provoking perspective to be shared with you, week in and week out.

Concerned about tensions in the Middle East? Don't worry, I didn't review CDs at the Daily for three years without picking up a thing or two about Israel's peacemaking secrets.

Confused about the state of the national economy? I have been pre-approved for Discover cards on numerous occasions.

Looking to start a serious relationship? I can tell you every trick that Jack used on Chrissy in "Three's Company."

Trying to conceal your sexual orientation? I can tell you every trick that Jack used on Mr. Roper in "Three's Company."

Other Daily columnists may try to pull the wool over your eyes with sneaky satire and references to '70s sitcoms, but I'll have none of that. Laughter may feel good for a moment, but it cannot match the long-lasting impact of true wisdom passed down from a 21-year-old college student. On a weekly basis. In a college newspaper. Out of my ass.

- Chris Kula can be reached via

e-mail at ckula@umich.edu.