Kodos, Kang, Clinton, Nader and pop machines at lunch

David Horn

Hornography

To help explain why not to vote for either of the two main cats running for President, I have to turn to The Simpsons. The wit and insight of that brilliant cartoon is second to none. In 1996, an episode of The Simpsons featured Bill Clinton and Bob Dole being abducted by aliens who transmorphed into their respective bodies and forced the American public to vote for one of them. It is full of jeering insights into the failings of a two-party system.

Kent Brockman (Springfield's Dan Rather) asks Kang (the alien), disguised as Dole, "why should people vote for you instead of President Clinton?" Kang replies, "It makes no difference which one of us you vote for. Either way, your planet is doomed. Doomed!" "Well, a refreshingly frank response there from Senator Dole," concludes Brockman.

Says Kodos (the other alien, posing as Clinton) on pleasing the public, "All they want to hear are bland pleasantries embellished by an occasional saxophone solo or infant kiss."

During the debate, Kang becomes so lost in rhetoric one can't help but compare his the bumbling Texas Governor who, as demonstrated at last Tuesday's debate, can't seem to argue his way out of an Arby's. "My fellow Americans: As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball, but tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling towards freedom!"

When Homer arrives to save America from their awful fate, he rips away the aliens' human facades and proclaims, "America, take a good look at your beloved candidates. They're nothing but hideous space reptiles!" Indeed they are. We have these two gentlemen - Texas Gov. George W. Bush Jr. and Vice President Al Gore - and one of them is waking up on the morning of Nov. 8 the most powerful man in the world. This is not the first time America has had to choose between the lesser of two evils. Both Gore and Bush are nice guys - well meaning, borderline genuine, seemingly honest - but neither has the confidence, will, nerve, vision, character or heart for the job. The fact is that our electoral process is grossly flawed gives Americans no real choice.

That process will probably not be mended unless Americans realize the catch-22 that is our current two-party system and vote for far-left and (forgive me mom) far-right candidates like Green Party nominee Ralph Nader and Reform Party candidate Pat Buchanan.

My money says that Bush is going to be the next President of the United States. He is lucky that somewhere along the road of the great journey we call America, our country has regressed from a sophisticated, idealistic democracy where men like Daniel Webster and Henry Clay deliberated issues that shook the foundations of our nation (i.e. states rights, slavery), to a middle school class president election.

Bush is going to win because he could afford to put a lot of flyers all over the social studies and science wings. His friends (who are equally rich) threaten to steal kids' lunch money if they don't vote for little Georgey. His brother plays on the middle school football squad and has promised those votes. His dad is president of the P.T.A.

His opponent, Al Gore, is that kid who you used to be friends with, but lost touch with after he became just too smart for his own good. He's sort of a dork now, but you kind of smile and nod with a sort of pity whenever he talks to you.

The teachers know that little Al should be class president, and that he is more deserving and qualified than the Bush kid. But Bush is promising pop machines at lunch, "free homework" passes and the other kids are falling for his ploys despite their best interests.

But the Vice President isn't looking much better, really. To keep up with Bush, who is appealing to everyone and his mother, Gore is compromising his liberal stance (on, I don't know, everything) to develop a similar appeal. Poor Al. He and George have become indistinguishable, and will ultimately be ineffective as a result.

"We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it." (If you missed the reference, come on. Watch the damn show. All your friends do).

Meanwhile there's this Ralph Nader character. "Don't vote scared," read the flyers peppered throughout Ann Arbor. That's some good advice from the supporters of the Green Party. As long as Democrats and Republicans continue to be elected to the White House and Congress, laws correcting the electoral system will never come about. Campaign finance needs to be revamped and laws encouraging third-party candidates need to be seriously considered. There are other parties, and y'all should check them out.

There's cheap beer and hot girls.

My friends ask me why I'm voting for Nader, and my reply is simple: Gore and Bush are about as different as Michigan State and a pile of green dog shit. Other than abortion, really, the two candidates' differences are recognizable only to the dorky poli-sci professors sporting the bowties on MSNBC.

Nader isn't taking home any of the cake, because its winner-take-all in this country. But I'm voting on principle rather than practicality. The more people chose to vote in support of a revolutionary political change, the more change will occur. The two-party system is a curse on this country founded by and developed via compromise. The great fraternity party we call American politics can't be a two-way. Let it some other kids, because their ideas are worthwhile and have the potential to be tremendously beneficial.

But don't blame me. I voted for Kodos.

- David Horn can be reached via e-mail at hornd@umich.edu.