Eight reasons why Halloween isn't that scary

This October has been a cryptic month. Friday the 13th was just two weeks ago and, low and behold, Halloween's on Tuesday. But really, other than the fact that we have a holiday designed to promote candy and costume stores, there's nothing too frightening about the Halloween season. In this light, and keeping with the Daily Arts tradition of lists, I'd like to give a shout out to eight things that should ... Scare You More Than Halloween:

John Uhl Uhl Get Nothing and Like It

1. Devil's Night. Every fall's violent, Satanic alternative to Halloween.

October 30, evening. Enter Bob and Simon, two college-age fun-loving males. Bob: Sam, wanna go to my friend's party in Detroit tonight? Sam: Mmmaaybe. Curtain.

2. Cat. Cathinone is naturally found within the leaves of the Middle Eastern khat plant. Methcathinone, Cathinone's synthetic derivative, and directions for its manufacture were stolen in 1989 from the pharmeceutical manufacturer Parke Davis & Company by a University student who was interning there. This directly led to the distribution of Goob, Jeff, Mulka, African Salad, gaggers, Bathtub Speed, Sniff, Wild Cadillac, Khat, Chat, Cat ... The C! ... throughout the Upper Peninsula. Easy access to the drug's recipe through the internet (some ingredients I found were Ephedrine, Sulfuric Acid, Sodium Hydroxide and Epsom salts; other materials required include coffee filters and heat) led to the current popularity of the drug in economically poor areas of the Midwest. It is usually snorted. Effects are similar to crack cocaine. May cause irregular heart rate and respirations, anxiety, restlessness, paranoia and hallucinations and delusions.

3. Crackheads. Infamous for their unpredictability, crackheads can be quite motivated to achieve a goal. When that goal is some crack rock. If they're willing to pay people to get drugs like Cat, God knows what they'd do if they ever got out of their neighborhoods. Thank goodness for police brutality.

4. Railroad Killers. Angel Maturino Resendiz used our nation's great railway system to kill nine people in Kentucky, Illinois and Texas. The crackheads rarely leave the city, but this guy buys an Amtrack ticket and comes right to your door.

5. Colon Cancer. A pain in your ass, worst nightmare-style.

6. Filoviruses. Two viruses, Marburg and Ebola, that cause severe hemorrhagic fever and usually result in blindness or death within two weeks of contraction. No one knows exactly how the viruses are spread or where they come from.

7. Neutron Bombs. These puppies decrease the destructiveness while maintaining the lethality of your standard nuclear explosive device. The radioactivity stays, the demolished buildings and unsightly craters go. Guaranteed to remove all your weeds while the brick stuff stays. Kill the life, save the city! Perfect for the Super Power with the room and resources for a few more generations of overpopulation before its expansion into new territory. Now available in China as well as the U.S.! Coming soon in a hand-held variety and to the nations of India and Pakistan.

8. George W. Bush. Moron and leading candidate in the current United States Presidential race.

There's only eight because, man, this list is weird, man.

- If you want to scare John, e-mail him at juhl@umich.edu.