Hammerhead's guide to tipping - don't be That Guy

Like many of you, I've worked in the food service industry for the last couple of years, both as a waiter and a bartender. In many respects, the restaurant business is an ideal one for students. After all, how many jobs can you work nights primarily (thus avoiding schedule conflict with classes) and still bring home a decent living? Furthermore, the working atmosphere in a restaurant is fantastic. When it's 8 p.m. on a Saturday night, you're on a two-hour wait, the kitchen has crashed and is now running 35-minute ticket times, and you just got double-sat everything just sort of dissolves into utter chaos. For an adrenaline junkie like me, it's wonderful.

But make no mistake, tending bar or waiting tables is hard work. It takes a certain kind of person to be able to deal with all the different pressures involved. You have to have one helluva good memory, you have to be able to prioritize and act instantly and, most difficult of all, you have to be able to anticipate your guests' needs in advance.

Branden Sanz Dropping the Hammer

But some people just don't seem to understand or appreciate what we go through; the person who is the bane of our existence - That Guy. That Guy (who can also be a woman) comes in many shapes and sizes. Sometimes he sneaks up on us and sometimes we can spot him as soon as he walks through the door. Chances are, 99 percent of the time you have ever been on the receiving end of bad service, That Guy is at fault. This is why That Guy irritates me so much. Granted, a lot of things irritate me - synchronized swimming, 'N Sync, cats and Regis Philbin make the short list - but not many things on earth inspire the true sense of loathing I feel around That Guy.

So, gentle reader, at the behest of friends and colleagues, I have put together a list of the most frequently encountered incarnations of That Guy. This will help you to recognize him, avoid him and most importantly, not be him.

The Runner. This is the person who seems to feel that you are waiting on them and them alone. Every time you walk by the table they need something else, whether it's hot sauce, an iced tea refill, more lemon for their water, an extra plate or whatever. Folks, if your server is worth a damn, chances are he (or she) is going to ask, "Can I get you anything else?" or something similar whenever he leaves the table. Don't blow him off. Think! Now is the time for that laundry list of stuff you need to get through dinner and enjoy yourself. Do not run your server's ass all around the restaurant because you suddenly remember something else you need every time you see his face. Not only does this piss him off, but it also takes away from the dining experience of others. Why? Because your waiter is spending so much time on your selfish ass that he doesn't have the time to give his other guests the proper service they deserve.

The Blamer. If your food is bad, you should complain to a manager or simply not return to the restaurant in question. Do not blame your server. As long as he is attentive and sympathetic to your problem (which he probably is, since he depends on your tips to pay rent) don't lose your head and act like an asshole because your steak is overcooked or your pasta is bland and tastes bad. He didn't cook your meal, so don't take it out on him

The Finicky Eater. Are you a vegetarian? Lactose intolerant? Don't eat pork? That's fine, but you have to remember that you are in the minority. If you have special dietary considerations, inform your server beforehand to avoid the embarrassing scenario of you breaking out in hives or condemning yourself to Hell at the dinner table. On that note, be aware of the type of food at the place you are dining at. If you can't eat butter, don't go to a French restaurant and then bitch because the only thing available on the menu is a chicken caesar salad. Once again, don't blame your server. He didn't set the menu.

As annoying as these versions of That Guy are, they can still redeem themselves. All is forgiven with a good tip. And I don't mean 15 percent. 15 percent is what you should give if you get decent food and average service. If the service is truly exceptional, you should tip at least 20 percent. This why the last incarnation of That Guy is the very worst.

The Cheap Bastard. The Cheap Bastard is usually pretty easy to spot. He asks if there are free refills on pop. If the restaurant gives out complimentary bread or rolls, he normally wolfs them down and asks for seconds or thirds. He orders one of the cheapest items on the menu, then has you wrap it up for him, no matter how minuscule the portion remaining, because he filled up on bread. He tells you how wonderful the service was (which is why he's sometimes known as The Verbal Tipper) and then leaves you 12 percent.

Look, most waiters and bartenders make $2.65 an hour in Michigan. That equals jack shit. It's certainly not enough for a skilled worker - someone who knows every ingredient on every menu item, who knows the exact formula for hundreds of different beverages, who puts on a happy face and makes you feel right at home even though he (or she) is tired, has sore feet and just failed a chemistry test that day. The bottom line: If you can't afford to tip properly, you can't afford to eat out. Know the rule, observe it, and don't be That Guy.

- Branden Sanz can be reached via e-mail at hamrhead@umich.edu.