Hammerhead's obligatory sex column (winter edition)

One part of college life that I've noticed that is relatively constant is the Get-Together. While similar to a party, the Get-Together (also known as Having People Over) differs in a few notable respects. First, there are generally less people at a Get-Together; anywhere from five to 15 is the standard amount. Any more than that and it tends to turn into an according-to-Hoyle party. The second factor is that people actually talk to each other at a Get-Together. While you may hear Brittney Spears in the background, you are usually spared the booming "phat beats," table-dancing, and keg-stands that characterize a true party.

Get-Togethers happen for a variety of reasons and vary in type and temperament. Sometimes the focus is a sporting event, sometimes a game of cards and sometimes just for the sake of intelligent (if alcohol-addled) conversation. However, one thing I've noticed time and time again is that no matter what direction the conversation starts out in, a co-ed Get-Together always comes back to one topic - sex.

Don't ask me why it happens. I sure as hell never instigate it, but it always seems to come up, sometimes in ways that are unbelievably random. Here's an example:

Me: "Wow! That Baltimore defense is tough."

John: "I spent two weeks with my cousin in Baltimore last summer."

Me: "What was it like?"

Dan: "Hey John, wasn't Baltimore where you hooked up with that stewardess?"

John: (Blushing) "Uhhh, yeah."

Janet: "You hooked up with a stewardess?!"

Dan: "Yeah he did. Best blow-job of your life - isn't that what you told me?"

John: (Now beet-red) "Uhhhh, well ..."

Mike: "Really? Wow. (Wistfully) You know, I've never really had a good blow-job."

Nichole: "You haven't? Why not?"

Mike: "Well, you see..."

Okay, I'm sure you get the point. We can all see where this conversation is going and I'm quite certain that the vast majority of you out there have been privy to more than one random sex conversation during your time here. Personally, I have dozens of these under my belt and I've come up with a few observations over the years.

Observation number one: The whole stud/slut double-standard is bullshit. I am certainly not the first to make this observation and I won't be the last. Everyone seems to agree that the double-standard is unfair, yet most guys (and many girls) still judge people by it. Okay, so if a guy goes out and sleeps around, his buddies call him a "stud." Some girls may consider him "sketchy," but many will write it off to typical guy behavior, rather than a deficiency of character. On the other hand, if a girl does the same thing, all of a sudden she's "dirty" or a "slut?" Hogwash.

This argument is old and tired, but I have a new common-sense twist for you. Guys, would you honestly rather have a virgin? Not a chance in hell. Maybe when I was 17, but I just don't have the patience anymore. I personally think any guy over 20 that has a virgin-fixation has got some serious self-esteem issues, sort of a "climb the mountain and make my mark" mentality.

Observation number two: Referral Sex works. What do I mean by Referral Sex? Well, it's pretty simple. You see guys, women talk about sex. They talk about it a lot - down to little intimate details no guy would ever dream of sharing with his best buddy. Chances are, for every girl you've slept with, her little circle of friends knows things about you that would mortify you if you were aware of them. Furthermore, women seem to have this gossip network that rivals the National Security Agency in it's ability to disseminate information. But there is an upside to this as well.

Case in point: A couple of years ago, a good friend of mine was dating this girl he worked with. About a month after they had broken up, he runs into his ex-girlfriend's roommate at a bar. The first words out of her mouth (and yes, I know this for a fact because I was there) were: "Are you really as good as _______ says you are?" Three days later she spends the night at his place.

Guys, this in not an isolated incident. I've seen it happen numerous occasions through the years. Accept the fact that women are going to tell each other everything about your bedroom habits and use this to your advantage. Rock her world. Hopefully, you two will stay together forever, but real life doesn't always work that way and it's good to have a Plan B. If things go bad later, chances are you're already a shoo-in with one of the members of her network.

This column is dedicated to Oso and the rest of the Hammerhead Fan Club - University of Minnesota Law School Chapter. Thanks for the support, guys.

- Branden Sanz has sworn an vow of celibacy and will soon be joining a monastery. Until then he can be reached at hamrhead@umich.edu.

Branden Sanz

Dropping the Hammer