What the Cell?!

Leisurely dining at Georges (Read: the swanky It-eatery atop the Pompidou Center in Paris), the incident happened right about the time when my Tandoori monkfish was whisked away to make room for my incoming "haute couture" chocolate tart designed by the folks at Yves Saint Laurent.

Erupting within this sanctuary of insurmountable style, the sudden calamitous cacophony carried with it the volumetric discreteness of the Sonic Boom and was enough to pierce the sophisticatingly serene selection of Georges' house DJ. "Bleep, bleep, blip, beep, beep, bleep," said the ringer-reducing the Costes Brothers' otherwise chic compilation into a Super Mario Brothers-like soundtrack, Table 16 franticly searched for the cell phone they "forgot" to turn off.

 

Meredith Keller Keller Instincts

Was I amused by Table 16's embarrassing faux pas? A little. Was I impressed by Table 16's cellular capabilities? Not a chance in cell.

Had this incident been the first of its kind for me, perhaps I would have been more willing to accept the possibility that cell phone "On/Off" switches is indeed that complicated to operate.

However, in addition to the interruption at Georges, my ears were already ringing with far too many other similar impolite auditory incidences. From a break in the silence of Midnight Mass at the Notre Dame Cathedral to occasional disturbances during Monday/Wednesday Lectures in the MLB, it seems that cell phone-free sanctuaries are few and far between and in grave danger of undergoing an untimely extinction.

Now don't get me wrong, many a time have I benefited from cell phone technology, whether tracking down family members or giving friends directions to my Ann Arbor abode. However, once reserved as a cherished commodity amongst the mid-life crisis crowd of the 1980s and the ultimate in teenaged tracking devices for protective parents of the '90s, in the course of my lifetime thus far, the cell phone has evolved from necessity to an absolute image-based nuisance.

And with purchase availability as accessible as the nearest party shoppe, the excessive abuse of these accessories has made them about as stylistically cutting edge as the banana clip. So while cellular chatter may now be cheap, is it still all that chic?

Although the colossal-sized cell phones of yesteryear have been progressively replaced by sleeker and smaller alternatives, modern day models, despite their wider range of colors, selections and rings are hardly much better than their predecessors.

Tell me, honestly - unless you happen to answer your phone calls "Coochie, coochie, this is Charo," is it really necessary to have a leopard print phone and salsa dance ring?

Perhaps even more amusingly absurd than the 31-or-so flavors of phones currently available, is the wide variety of ornamental add-ons available for each phone. Including such chintzy choices as the stuffed teddy bears cover, the swivel holster for the John Wayne of call receiving, the wrist strap, the NFL imitation suede carrying case and the neoprene shell. In case you want to take your cell phone scuba diving, these tacky tack ons pale in comparison to my ultimate favorite - the ear piece, made particularly popular by Secret Service Agents and Investment Bankers.

Off of Wall Street however, this puny piece of plastic has a tendency to look a little less Morgan Stanley and a little more McDonald's. Oh, I'm sorry, "Did you want fries with that?" Needless, to say super sizing cell phone frills is never a wise idea.

However, what really microwaves my mind, even more so than the nearest Nokia, is how in an age where independence and innovation are greatly rewarded over standardized anything's, how is it that this homogenized hand-held has come to consume our culture?

If people were honestly seeking creative means of communication, we might see the resurgence of carrier pigeons. But with little sign of such a trend in the works, I leave you with this: While I do not condone the notion of an all out abolishment of cell phones (at least not until the pigeon thing catches on), nor do I suggest an increase in cellular activity, know that savvy usage rather than actual cell phones lead to a savvier sense of self.

So chose your rings wisely, speak sweetly and softly and for goodness sakes stop having your Mom call you in lecture!