Have a few drinks, puffs, pills before class

You're probably not going to take my word for it. Most people probably won't heed (or even appreciate) my suggestion to go to class drunk and stoned. They'll call me "crazy" or "preverted" or "joking." And these people might be right, but if I can help convince just one person of the activity's worth ... well, then that would be something.

 

John Uhl Uhl Get Nothing and Like It

Here's three quick reasons to try it (for the doubtful minority):

1) Class will certainly seem much more entertaining than usual and, for once, maybe you'll even pay attention.

2) The next day you'll hardly remember that you went to class at all. It's as if you never went! And by the day after, isn't that just as satisfying as having simply skipped class the day before?

3) By "drunk and stoned" I could mean "drunk" as in "on the sweet nectar of life" and "stoned" as in "with the euphoria of just being alive."

Naturally, that's not what I mean. I'm talking about being impaired by the effects of a variety of legal and illegal drugs, "drunk" referring to the effects of the socially accepted drug alcohol and "stoned" including the effects of any choice or combination of either illegally obtained or unorthodoxly used drugs. For instance, "man, Lisa and I took bong rips before class and now I'm hiiiigh" or "the way the Sudafed Night Time and the Sudafed Day Time pills are reacting makes it hard for me to see the professor clearly."

"Why would I want, much less need, to get any more fucked up for class than I already am?" a skeptical and inebriated classmate might ask. Yes. Why do both? Why go to the extra lengths to be both drunk and stoned by class time?

Bearing in mind how difficult it is for all of us to go to class on a regular basis, consider how hard it is to go to class stoned. Hell, it's hard enough just remembering where you're going, let alone managing to sit still for 50 minutes while contributing insightful discussion commentary with forethought and discretion.

Yet, when it's all said and done, you can give yourself a big pat on the back, because it undeniably took more effort to motivate yourself to go to class high than it would have had you been sober.

Thus when you're drunk too, it takes even more effort than before when you were only stoned.

Drunkenness adds the element of a physical handicap to what was formerly just a mental one, depending on what kind of pills you took and whether they were blue, red or orange. Now, while you try to remember exactly where you're supposed to be going, you also have to concentrate on setting into motion the proper physical actions necessary to allow you to walk there, wherever the hell there is.

And that's hard. "So, what do I get out of this?" my still soused and skeptical comrade may wonder.

Moral credit. Things are intrinsically more valuable if you work hard to get them. Thus, the class you've sat through is worth more in a moral sense because you had to work more than normal to stay alert and inconspicuous.

Naysayers might claim that using drugs before class is "immoral," when in fact it's much more moral than just going to class as usual. And the more drugs you take, the more credit you'll recieve. So ... take three tabs of acid or a few hits from the crack pipe. Maybe take a quaalude or two.

But moral credit isn't generally the utmost ambition of your average classroom waste-oid and anyone who has gone to class hosed will tell you that the real reason to do so is because of the fear.

The fear of not being able to contain yourself from unbuckling your belt and taking a leak right there in the corner of the classroom or making fun of your professor to his face. The fear of falling on your face and crying out "Randy, I couldn't help it" inadvertently. Facing the fear of getting caught and smiting it.

Once this fear is realized, it can be smote fairly readily. Start by taking the necessary precautions to prevent a panic ...

Even though the objective of this activity is basically to get as smashed as possible, it's still feasible to overindulge. There's nothing worse than sitting down for a supposedly uneventful recitation only to begin hallucinating about large schools of variegated flying pirhanas.

Consume your substances liberally, but not without discretion. This can be somewhat difficult when dealing with the simultaneous ingestion of multiple judgement-altering substances. For safety's sake, bring a buddy so that each partner can keep the other's debauchery within reasonable limits. Besides, illicit activities are always more fun in groups.

Remember that you'll be drunk and probably dehydrated, so bring a water bottle for when you feel like you're about to pass out. Also take extra care to bring the correct books to class, so that later on when you don't remember where you are, you have an accurate clue.

Also bear in mind that very few people, if any, will have any idea what condition you're in. There might be one or two who suspect, but chances are they're drunk too or, at the very worst, watching with the hope that you'll make an ass of yourself.

You'll never believe the sorts of outlandish behavior ordinary people will brush off with a shrug. I once saw a guy unscrew his auditorium seat and heave it down a side aisle of the lecture hall, cursing "the bees in my shoes!" (True story.) He was noticed by neither the professor, who continued speaking throughout the hubbub, or most the students there.

What am I talking about? Am I in class? I think I'm drunk. Go to class drunk and stoned. It's at least as rewarding as going to church drunk and stoned.

-E-mail John at juhl@umich.edu with stories about your first day of going to class drunk and stoned.