The 'U' has some problems that even Master Plan can't fix

Wrong.

Fine - must be El Niño. Someone invented El Niño to explain something quirky - it sounds flashier than "global warming" - and now it takes the blame or praise for anything labeled as a phenomenon. So it must be responsible.

Wrong again.

Like everything else that will now happen on campus, the weather is now regulated by Venturi, Scott Brown & Associates, the architecture firm contracted by the University to design its future. University President Lee Bollinger, who is said to be worried about the lack of cohesion of the University's physical appearance in the wake of a massive building spree in the last decade, has charged the company with charting the next 100 years of construction.

Megan Schimpf Prescriptions

It's the Master Plan. Get ready. It's coming.

The masters of the plan are currently in what they call the "once-over-lightly" stage, which in English means "when we shudder at the color of the LSA Building and generally wince at the Frieze Building."

Wait until they see the Lurie Bell Tower.

After recovering from that trauma, the Committee to Master Plan the Universe known as Ann Arbor will face an unenviable task: Creating unity on campus. Look at East Quad, right across the street from the School of Business Administration, of all things, and you begin to appreciate the magnitude of the committee's importance.

In fact, several recent proposals have been tabled or await Master Plan approval, including the construction of a Hill-area cafeteria and the addition of high-tech scoreboards in Michigan Stadium. One might ask how scoreboards in the football stadium could possibly impact the appearance of the Matthaei Botanical Gardens, another area of the University under consideration. Worry not - the Master Plan knoweth.

One could also ask why this is a critical question, considering the buildings are already built and there's not a free square inch to build anything more. Never fear - the Master Plan is here!

It will resolve the question of where all the officials who "return to the faculty" actually go. Why burned-out buildings apparently need to age before they can be torn down.

Why each newly constructed or renovated building has an atrium. Why Dennison, the physics building, is rumored to be sinking.

The Master Plan will call for the planting of grass. For not putting construction fences smack in the middle of the busiest walkways. For finding something to do near North Campus that's not Bursley or the Commons. For connecting every other building around the Diag into the Tisch-Haven-Angell-Mason complex.

To improve unity on the athletic campus, the plan will call for the construction of the Fisher-Moeller Building. It will house anyone upset with the Athletic Department, from Peyton Manning to anti-Nike groups to the M-14 highway patrol.

But if they can find affordable, easy-to-arrange housing off campus, it's all worth it. Maybe someone could even find some windows for the Fleming Administration Building.

In the spirit of the School of Dentistry, it would be really neat to design buildings in the shape of what goes on inside. And actually putting fish in the Law Library would validate that Orientation tale and unify the Law School with Angell Hall.

But why stop at physical appearance? The Master Plan promises to usher in an era where major exams and due dates will never overlap. Vacations will actually be long enough to appreciate the time off. The CRISP lady will give every student the schedule they want without hanging up, denying the selection or forgetting to e-mail. Classes will end on time. E-mail will always work.

Speaking of "cohesion," the Plan People could look into this whole in-state vs. out-of-state feud, and the graduate vs. undergraduate student division. Talk about an ugly scene.

What exactly is cohesion? And why is it worth the time and money?

Here the committee faces its most daunting task: justification of its own existence. Of all the unity problems on campus, the physical appearance of the buildings and environment should be extremely low on the list. At the center of a national debate over affirmative action, this is the unifying force we're seeking?

Perhaps we should look at continually forwarding what's happening inside the buildings instead of how well Angell Hall and the Natural Sciences Building look next to each other.

Is there a firm we can hire for that?

- Megan Schimpf can be reached over e-mail at mschimpf@umich.edu.

09-08-98